Wayne Rooney has broken the wrist of a nine-year-old Manchester United supporter with a stray shot during his side’s 5-0 win at Wolverhampton Wanderers last weekend. However, the incident has provoked a new push to make milk mandatory in UK school canteens, a desperate – and possibly futile – attempt to prevent English youngsters from growing up into brittle, sugar-dependent adults.
Little Jamie Thomas was struck on the wrist as he tried galliantly to block a typically thunderous Rooney strike. In tremendous pain, the youngster managed to watch the first half of the match, but was later taken into the first aid tent before being ushered off to hospital.
Rooney has since apologised to the kid and arranged for one of his minions to send a letter and “personalised gift” to his home address. However, the Man United star has called on the UK School Canteen Association to bring in a new range of healthy food options to make available to school kids – including cartons of organic milk specifically to increase calcium levels.
“Clearly, this didn’t use to happen. When I was growing up as a little chav, I always drank a pint of milk every recess, which my mum packed for me everyday,” Rooney explained.
“It made my bones nice and strong and provided the calcium and nutrition needed to get me through the day. It also went really well with the durries I used to smoke covertly behind the girls toilets.”
“But now kids snack on lollies, sticky buns and fizzy drinks at recess and lunch – and look what’s happening! How the fuck are we going to produce the next David James or David Seaman if these little pricks can’t even make a simple save? Jesus, I only hit it at 85% force anyway, I was trying to curl it into the left corner!”
UK School Canteen Association spokesperson Myrtle Oswald told The Public Apology that the government funded body had actually implemented a healthy eating program back in 2003, but kids had shunned the initiative.
“They just didn’t want a bar of it. It was all about Dr. Pepper, Coke and Barr’s Ginger Beer. So we canceled the program immediately. But you could see the wave of injuries in the school playgrounds as as result of this malnutrition. Broken legs and arms at recess – all due to not getting that essential daily calcium fix.”
“This is an investment in UK football as much as it is in getting our kids ‘healthy for life’ – whatever the fuck that actually means.”
The SCA will meet today to vote on whether a new mandatory canteen menu should be implemented across the UK. If successful, it is expected that school bullies will beat the fuck out of little Jamie Thomas at recess on Monday.