Coach Blasted for Eschewing ANZAC ‘Spirit’

A South Australian football coach has been lambasted for refusing to draw upon the spirit of the ANZACs in his pre-match team talk last weekend, The Public Apology can report.

The SAFL coach, whom The Public Apology has chosen not to name, did not instruct his players to wear black armbands on the field in their round four fixture last Saturday – much to the outrage of casual pie-eating observers. Insiders say that the 52-year-old even failed to reference the courage shown by 18-year-old diggers at Gallipoli in 1915 when addressing his young squad, and avoided making a single war analogy when giving his pre-game “rev up” – something unheard of in sporting circles during the ANZAC day weekend.

Instead, the team clinically went about their business and picked up a convincing six-goal win, drawing some to speculate that the link between football and the ‘ANZAC spirit’ was perhaps not as direct as once imagined. Some are suggesting the incident may serve as a precedent to the AFL, which, for one weekend each year, looks to leverage an annual peak in nationalism in a bid to hype up its Essendon v Collingwood “blockbuster.”

By Dave Edwards

Are holograms set to revolutionise sport?

Without question, the final weekend of Coachella will be remembered for Tupac’s computer-generated resurrection. But while this event not only made those in attendance think they were using the best hallucinogens ever made, it also marked a tipping point for all forms of entertainment.

After most Americans changed their shorts from climaxing at the sight of a life-like hologram interacting on stage with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, a few realizations set in.  First of all, it can almost be guaranteed that the Super Bowl’s half-time show will be even more gaudy and obnoxious now that life-like holograms exist.

Also, going forth, the likes of Dave Matthews Band, U2, Coldplay, Red Hot Chili Peppers – and any other mega band that can afford to spend multi-millions on the technology – will be able to perform multiple shows in multiple locations on the same night.  I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.  Just imagine the number of 17 year-olds that will be able to pay $75 for a field seat and lose their virginity to CGI Dave Matthews in Seattle… all the while, the real Dave Matthews is actually facilitating the theft of a whole other group of 17-year-olds’ V-Cards in Madrid.

DMB, yet to crack the lucrative Australian V-Plate market

Though the impact of hologram technology on the entertainment world will be monumental, its use in the sports arena could be even greater.  For instance, such technology would do wonders for the NFL’s head trauma issues.  If both teams were holograms, it is fair to say that the bodily harm attributed with playing professional football would decrease exponentially.  That said, the league would never go for it as the NFL is facing a interesting catch-22: the same issue that is literally killing its players is exactly why the sport is so overwhelmingly popular.  However, I digress…

There is a higher calling for the same hologram technology that brought Tupac back to life.  Both the NBA and NFL now have the opportunity to bring to life the video games that dominated my youth – NBA Jam and NFL Blitz.  In the mid to late ‘90s, MTV came as close as possible to making this dream a reality with its Rock ‘N Jock events.  However, now that technology has freed us from the restraints and limitations of the human body, these wet dreams can become reality.

NBA Jam, where the Nets can actually appear competitive

Two-on-two basketball and seven-on-seven football with the bone-crushing hits, earth-shattering dunks and once-in-a-lifetime matchups that previously were restricted to the worlds of Nintendo 64, Playstation and Xbox are now possible.  Technology has created a world where HE’S ON FIRE is more than just a fond memory of my childhood.  No longer do I have to watch a 25-year-old tape of Lawrence Taylor snapping Joe Theisman’s leg in half.  Previous to Tupac’s appearance at Coachella, the laws of physics prevented someone from taking off from mid-court and shattering the backboard while doing a 1080 dunk.

Tupac’s virtual renaissance is just the start of what will be an entirely new dimension of entertainment.

By R.J. Karas  

UNSW Study Finds AFL Umpires ‘Most Annoying’

Contrary to popular belief, AFL umpires do not have naturally higher voices to their rugby league and rugby union counterparts, a new study has confirmed.

A University of New South Wales research paper analysed the voice pitches of officials from Australia’s major football codes to determine whether AFL umpires’ squeaky, nasally grating voices are indeed reminiscent of elite jockeys, or simply a symptom of poor audio broadcast and the nature of the game itself. The paper also polled some 1,000 football fans of all codes to find out which officials came across as the most pedantic and likely to cause spectators the most frustration.

UNSW Department of Speech, Lanaguage and Hearing professor Simone Aitken said researchers used a complex mathematical formula to figure out which code’s officials were the most loathed. “Basically, using a 1-10 point spectrum, we multiplied the level of ‘perceived gayness’ by the level of ‘pedanticness’, then divided that by how physically unimpressive the officials were as a whole,” she said.

Umpires have an image problem: UNSW academic

“On this basis, AFL umpires were quite comprehensively the most hated officials out of Australia’s four major football codes.”

However, Aitken said that while AFL umpires appeared on television to be the most annoying and punctilious of the football officials polled – primarily due to their girlish high-pitched voices – this was exacerbated by the need to project their voices over a larger playing surface than other officials, given the size of an AFL field.

“If you speak to AFL umpires – and this was part of our study – they’ve actually got quite deep voices in normal conversation. It’s just that when they have to shout out from 150 metres away to explain to an irate Lance ‘Buddy’ Franklin why he’s been pinged for holding the man in a contest, their voices simply have to go up in pitch in order to travel said distance.”

“You’re fucking kidding me!!!”

Aitken made a raft of suggestions to the AFL on how to drive new respect for AFL umpires, including fitting officials with some kind of lapel-based loud speaker; hiring taller, more masculine umpires in order to minimise the level of hatred directed at the current crop; and even scrapping some of the more pedantic rules, like pinging fullbacks for harmlessly resting their arm on an opponents back in a marking contest.

“They could also stop referring to players by their first names as well; it just makes them sound desperate for approval. We know these guys are failed footy nerds who used to trade playing cards in the schoolyard, they could at least try to fucking mask that a bit,” she added.

By Dave Edwards