Liam Jurrah Snares March Guildford Award

With so many outstanding performers this month, the much-lauded Guildford Award could have gone to anyone.

We’ve had anus stuffing drug trafficking, public arguments over the price of hookers in the West (completely unreasonable I’m assured), vomiting on teammates and lunching with the opposition after being sent home, and TPA favourite Mario Balotelli once again in fine form crashing press conferences, arguing with fellow players and liaising with known home-wrecking Rooney-bonking escorts.

Stupendous stuff!

But given the TPA team (or, more specifically, our Chief Editor) loves nothing more than justified violence, tribal warfare, and one’s actions inadvertently bringing a whole football club to their knees, the March Guildford Award goes to…

Liam Jurrah!

Balotelli’s late charge not enough to land second Guildford

Melbourne Demons forward Jurrah, also known as ‘Jungarrayi’ – an initiated member of the Warlpiri people – or the “Warlpiri Wizard”, was arrested earlier this month for allegedly assaulting a 35-year-old with a machete in the Northern Territory. It is understood Jurrah was caught up in a family dispute that has split the small Yuendumu community ever since a childhood friend of The Wizard was stabbed to death in 2010.

Fair dues, if someone stabbed one of your mates, you’d probably want to hack at their family members with a machete too – perfectly reasonable reaction.

The attack and subsequent charges laid initially reignited the debate on what right “Whitey” has to meddle with Indigenous justice, and why our system of law – now some 200 years old – is more applicable to an area where tribal law has reigned for thousands of years.

That was to be expected.

What was not expected was the subsequent fallout within the club itself, with rumours circulated (by their own staff no less) that Coach Mark Neeld treated indigenous players differently to their teammates and racism was rife throughout the AFL. These allegations have since been proven false (well the Neeld one anyway), but the Demons cause has been given no favours by major sponsor and all-round douchebag Ben Polis being caught out posting several racist and defamatory rants on the bane of the not-quite-famous-enough-for-anyone-to-care-about-me-until-I-screw-up crowd, Facebook.

Polis, “a fucking cockhead”

Some of Polis’ gems include:

My Chinese cleaners must think I’m a bad man. 3pm lying naked on my bed, still asleep. “Ben we clean” yes fucking clean unless your (sic) here to bring me Chinese takeaway!

And:

Asian girls add no value to society apart from insurance premiums because they can’t drive. And after you go back to their house, you can take their bike and ride home!!!!!! Anyone for rice, I said eggs ding dong wong!

Bad grammar aside, what the fuck does the last one even mean? Jurrah grew up speaking four different dialects, as well as English, and this bloke can’t even peg down one!

To this point The Wizard has remained quiet during the turmoil, but when contacted by TPA he assured us he was “honoured” to receive the prestigious award and looked forward to drinking a quiet beer out of the golden schooner trophy.

“Cheers”

It is unknown when he will return to the football field, but we can only hope it is soon enough to fully enjoy watching Ben Polis’ life crash down around him.

To The Wizard, the spoils! And long live the Warlpiri people!

By Al McClintock

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