The AFL is concerned that latently homosexual players may start using injuries as an excuse to come out of the closet and blemish the code’s impressive record of having, to date, no openly gay footballers.
The Public Apology understands that CEO Andrew Demetriou is fearing an avalanche of “closet-hoppers” within the AFL, following news from the UK that a 26-year-old rugby union player who suffered a stroke following a freak accident in 2011 awoke to find that his sexuality had completely altered.
There is some scientific evidence to suggest that Birch – who will film a documentary on his story – is not just opportunistically using the stroke in his quest to “come out” after 26 years of life. While the brain is starved of oxygen during a stroke, some scientists believe the brain can make new neural connections and, during the recovery process, discover a new skill, accent or even a new sexuality.
The AFL has been under pressure to maintain its status as the number one homophobic sporting code in Australia – with the recent spate of faux-hipster/metrosexual haircuts causing visible discomfort for long-time fans – and Demetriou, for his part, is concerned that this new revelation could burst the bubble.
“I’m a bit worried that some of the young blokes might be inclined ‘that way’, if you know what I mean? I think once the first one [comes out of the closet], we might see a domino effect,” he told The Public Apology.
“One minute a young, virile kid is going up for a ‘spekkie’ and the next minute he’s being stretchered off the field with bloody Aretha Franklin lyrics coursing through his brain. And what if it happened to one of the old stagers, like a Chad Cornes or something like that? It’d fucking tear the code to bits!”
The Public Apology can exclusively reveal that the AFL’s controversial decision last year to ban concussed players from returning to the field was not made in order to protect the players, but to allow doctors to monitor for any signs of quick on-set gayness as a result of the injury. Players that exhibited homosexual tendencies were ordered to repress them, with some even offered cash payments to keep their gay inclinations hidden.
The Public Apology submitted a Freedom of Information request to the Australian Sports Commission earlier this year, finding that the government body funneled some A$400,000 into research on how sporting injuries can potentially result in sexual confusion. However, the confidential report summed up the research in one sentence, succinctly finding that altered sexuality as a result of brain injury is “a crock of fucking shit dreamed up by idiots.”
IAN ROBERTS HAS STROKE, WAKES UP STRAIGHT: Meanwhile, former NRL legend Ian Roberts suffered a stroke on Tuesday night and has woken up a heterosexual, according to reports.
The Manly front-rower was the first rugby league player to officially come out of the closet. Roberts was celebrated by the gay community – and by the ARL – for blazing the trail for homosexual league players. Unfortunately, no players have since followed in that trail, although question marks still remain over Willie Mason certain players who will not be named in this publication.
Sources say Roberts is already out of hospital and was last seen trying to get into fiendish Sydney backpacker haunt Sidebar at 2am on Wednesday night, pissed off his face and complaining about how he “never gets any pussy.”
And while Wallabies legend Michael Lynagh also suffered a stroke earlier this week while dining with friends, it is not yet known whether it has caused him to changed his sexuality. It is also unclear whether making poorly executed jokes at Michael Lynagh’s expense is morally reprehensible or not.
By Dave Edwards