Brain Injuries Could Lead To Gay Footballer Deluge: Demetriou

The AFL is concerned that latently homosexual players may start using injuries as an excuse to come out of the closet and blemish the code’s impressive record of having, to date, no openly gay footballers.

The Public Apology understands that CEO Andrew Demetriou is fearing an avalanche of “closet-hoppers” within the AFL, following news from the UK that a 26-year-old rugby union player who suffered a stroke following a freak accident in 2011 awoke to find that his sexuality had completely altered.

There is some scientific evidence to suggest that Birch – who will film a documentary on his story – is not just opportunistically using the stroke in his quest to “come out” after 26 years of life.  While the brain is starved of oxygen during a stroke, some scientists believe the brain can make new neural connections and, during the recovery process, discover a new skill, accent or even a new sexuality.

Birch, no gay tendencies prior to stroke – plenty since.

The AFL has been under pressure to maintain its status as the number one homophobic sporting code in Australia – with the recent spate of faux-hipster/metrosexual haircuts causing visible discomfort for long-time fans – and Demetriou, for his part, is concerned that this new revelation could burst the bubble.

“I’m a bit worried that some of the young blokes might be inclined ‘that way’, if you know what I mean? I think once the first one [comes out of the closet], we might see a domino effect,” he told The Public Apology.

“One minute a young, virile kid is going up for a ‘spekkie’ and the next minute he’s being stretchered off the field with bloody Aretha Franklin lyrics coursing through his brain. And what if it happened to one of the old stagers, like a Chad Cornes or something like that? It’d fucking tear the code to bits!”

Franklin, poster girl for the AFL gay movement

The Public Apology can exclusively reveal that the AFL’s controversial decision last year to ban concussed players from returning to the field was not made in order to protect the players, but to allow doctors to monitor for any signs of quick on-set gayness as a result of the injury. Players that exhibited homosexual tendencies were ordered to repress them, with some even offered cash payments to keep their gay inclinations hidden.

The Public Apology submitted a Freedom of Information request to the Australian Sports Commission earlier this year, finding that the government body funneled some A$400,000 into research on how sporting injuries can potentially result in sexual confusion. However, the confidential report summed up the research in one sentence, succinctly finding that altered sexuality as a result of brain injury is “a crock of fucking shit dreamed up by idiots.”

IAN ROBERTS HAS STROKE, WAKES UP STRAIGHT: Meanwhile, former NRL legend Ian Roberts suffered a stroke on Tuesday night and has woken up a heterosexual, according to reports.

The Manly front-rower was the first rugby league player to officially come out of the closet. Roberts was celebrated by the gay community – and by the ARL – for blazing the trail for homosexual league players. Unfortunately, no players have since followed in that trail, although question marks still remain over Willie Mason certain players who will not be named in this publication.

No more ‘Man Love’ for Ian, sources say

Sources say Roberts is already out of hospital and was last seen trying to get into fiendish Sydney backpacker haunt Sidebar at 2am on Wednesday night, pissed off his face and complaining about how he “never gets any pussy.”

And while Wallabies legend Michael Lynagh also suffered a stroke earlier this week while dining with friends, it is not yet known whether it has caused him to changed his sexuality. It is also unclear whether making poorly executed jokes at Michael Lynagh’s expense is morally reprehensible or not.

By Dave Edwards

Female Ref Makes Threat Of Gang-Bang ‘Very Real’: Academic

As rugby league officials celebrate the appointment of Kasey Badger as the first female to referee in the Toyota Cup, one renowned social commentator has slammed the promotion and expressed a genuine fear for the young lady’s safety.

UNSW Professor of Sociology Samuel Barr, who spoke exclusively with TPA, explained that “putting a young woman in that position, on a football field with twenty-six fully charged rugby league players with nothing but a whistle and God’s good grace between her and them, is just downright reckless!”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if the match degenerates into a highly charged mass rape before halftime… and I’d be even less surprised if the TAB offered odds on that.”

“I’ll bet on that!”

Given Badger has been refereeing since 2004 and has no doubt reigned over matches in some of Sydney’s toughest suburban grounds, Barr’s concerns appear at first glance to be tenuous. However, the controversial professor insists the NRL will be putting young women at risk by allowing this precedent.

In a statement that will no doubt anger feminist groups, victims of rape, and the Rugby League Player’s Association for that matter, Barr said that rugby league players are “primal beasts, most of them, they cannot be held responsible for their actions!”

“If you cut yourself in front of a Great White Shark, prepare to get your arm bitten off. The responsibility will lay solely with the NRL for allowing young women to be in that environment.”

“Sure Kasey Badger has so far escaped intact, but it is only a matter of time. Throw in the player’s natural dislike of referees in the first place and things could get real ugly.”

“Mate, I’ll fucking have you for this!!”

Uglier than gang rape in a stadium full of families and children?

“Yes. When it changes from a primal act to one of retribution… shit will get real.”

For her part, Kasey Badger has refuted Barr’s claims. “I can handle myself out just fine out there,” she told The Public Apology.

“Sure you get the odd inappropriate comment, but it’s mostly from the sidelines. The players are pussy cats when it comes to their treatment of me.”

“It probably helps that they’re usually sober come game time though. I wouldn’t want to be around post-match at midnight – that’s for sure.”

By Al McClintock

Why sporting glory can bring a man to tears

It is no secret that men struggle to express their true feelings physically. In fact, many men brag about how long it’s been since they actually shed a tear. Exactly why the male species is hardwired this way remains unknown, despite years of theorising and countless peer-reviewed papers on the human psyche.

But if there is anything that can stir the latent emotions deep inside a man – it’s an unlikely sporting victory against the odds. And at the US Masters yesterday, Bubba Watson achieved the latter – which consequently ignited the former. Tapping in his 6-inch putt for par – and the 2012 title – Watson turned to his caddie, accepted his man-hug, and convulsed into tears of unadulterated joy and relief.

Watson’s tears were real. There was nothing contrived about the performance – just as there is nothing contrived about the way he plays golf. Much has been made of the fact Bubba has never taken a golf lesson, which certainly adds to his aura. His second shot on the playoff hole was a stroke no coached golfer would likely attempt, given the degree of difficulty and the state of the match. Hooking a lofted club from deep within the woods is something that no other PGA player could reasonably attempt, but Bubba’s self belief is tempered by no-one. He must be a dream to caddy for.

Blubberin' Bubba

That shot, obviously, was the shot of an emotional man – not a rational man. The standard professional golfer would almost certainly look to get the ball back on the fairway and back himself to make the up-and-down for par. But Watson wanted the win. He knew that Oosthuizen had the chance to close the game out and as such backed himself to do the impossible. And create a slice of Augusta history.

We’ve seen men cry before after momentous sporting victories – and losses. Roger Federer dissolved into a torrent of tears following his Australian Open final loss a few years back. This was shockingly unexpected, given how robotic the Fed-Ex had appeared up until that point; what’s more, the emotional outburst even deprived the victor, Rafael Nadal, of truly savouring what was rightfully his moment. Was this a show of arrogance from a man programmed to win at all costs, or a rare human moment from an exhausted, outplayed tennis star suddenly facing his own sporting mortality? It remains unclear.

Tears following a win are more authentic than those following a loss. The defeated is expected to feel an immediate sense of sadness and loss. But the victor, in this moment, does not think about the millions of dollars that will flow their way; instead, assuming they are human, he or she is simply overcome by a sense of relief and occasion. It’s the hundreds of hours of training as a child, that instant release from hours of intense concentration, the immense pressure suddenly lifted off one’s shoulders. Naturally, the tears will flow.

 

Federer's tears left many viewers confused

And once the game/match/series is decided, the victor is suddenly surrounded by family and friends, who rush onto the field/court/course to bask in the spoils, provoking ultra-emotional responses such as “yes, we did it!”; “this one’s for Dad!”, etc. Cue the beaming wife, who thrusts your three-month-old baby into your arms, and, presto – you’ve got yourself some Man Tears.

Bubba Watson’s outburst at the Masters reminded us that without emotion, golf – well, any sport, really – is nothing more than a bunch of rich guys tussling it out over a massive pay cheque. But in surrendering to their natural emotions, athletes become human – just like the rest of us. Sport is just the vehicle for their success.

Scientists say it’s the few minutes immediately after ejaculation when a man is at his most honest. And there’s no greater release than a huge sporting win on the world stage.

By Dave Edwards