Willie ‘Fucking’ Mason…

Willie ‘Fucking’ Mason is back!

After a barnstorming 21 minutes against a pitiful Penrith Panthers outfit, Big Willie has announced his return to the main stage.

He who had it all, flittered it away, and dared to dream he could have it again. The sexy rogue who makes your mother moist and your father not all that bothered that she is because he, yes even he, felt a stirring in the pants when Willie sent those Panthers flying like bowling pins on an awkward date night at Strike Bar.

It brings to mind the plight of the fictional former Major League baseballer, Kenny Powers. Yes that’s right, Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers – the man with “an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

This is the man we all want to be, but lack of talent, injury, or an inability to truly commit to the party boy lifestyle have hampered us all in this quest. Willie Mason can be this man. Willie Mason is this man.

Wayne Bennett was uncharacteristically buoyant after Mason’s Monday night cameo asking the gathered press “is there anything better than watching big Willie pounding other blokes?” Some did question exactly what he was referring to (and, subsequently, his ‘mentoring’ relationship with Darius Boyd), but it did nothing to undermine the fact that wily Wayne had struck gold again.

Signed up for $40k plus match payments, Mason may just prove the buy of the year, certainly at that price, but it does beg the question can one really sustain a party boy lifestyle and solid coke habit on that sort of salary? Probably not, yet we at The Public Apology certainly hope it doesn’t dampen Willie’s renowned party exploits.

Cocaine, an expensive habit

Big Willie declined an interview with TPA, instead choosing to focus on the game ahead, but by compiling a list of Kenny Powers quotes we have been able to simulate how the interview would have undoubtedly gone:

*   *   *   *   *   *

TPA: Hi Willie.

Willie: “You luring me into a rape or something? What is this?”

TPA: Excited about the comeback Willie?

Willie: “This (Monday) night, I guarantee you it is gonna be the biggest goddamn comeback celebration any y’all have ever seen. There’s gonna be people cheering, and screaming, and spotlights, and fireworks. I wouldn’t even doubt if there’s a couple chicks showing their fucking pussies off – I wouldn’t doubt if some of the muchachas show their panochas off… They might be waving their panochas all over the place.”

 [Ed: There were in fact several unconfirmed reports of ‘panochas’ being waved about in the crowd, but this is commonplace in Newcastle and may not have had anything to do with Mason’s comeback.]

TPA: That’s great Willie. How are you finding settling in at the Knights?

Willie: “Over the course of my career, I’ve played on many different teams – some I liked, and some I really fucking hated. I am not mentioning any names, but let’s just say that [the Roosters] can tongue-kiss my shithole. The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck and their women have pancake titties. And if that doesn’t work, then just like prison, you pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team (Zeb Taia), and you kick him in his fucking teeth.”

“So the fly-half passes it to the inside centre, and so forth…”

TPA: Good advice. How did you spend your time out of football?

Willie: “Every night, dude. Just staring at buttholes, and gettin’ a buzz on.”

TPA: Wow. So the reports you were working hard on maintaining your fitness were unfounded?

Willie: “I play real sports. Not try to be the best at exercising. See, in life, when you have talent all the other shit doesn’t matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.”

TPA: Fair enough.

Willie: “One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a handsome amount of money and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fucking time they’ve ever seen!”

TPA: Interesting. Were there any hard feelings from (fellow Knights recruit) Adam Cuthbertson when you waltzed into the team and took his place in the seventeen?

Willie: “No. On the long road to grief recovery, don’t be surprised if you gotta spill a little blood to get shit fixed. Of all great comebacks, somebody usually gets fucked.”

“Check out my Bernard Tomic impression…”

TPA: We’ll take that as an “I don’t care”. You tend to polarise opinions, any words for the haters?

Willie: “Remember, there is no “I” in team, but there is a “U” in cunt. So don’t be little jealous cunts, ok?”

TPA: And for your supporters?

Willie: “I got this country wet, and now it’s time to bend this bitch over and make her cum…”

TPA: Thank you Willie.

By Al McClintock

Gary Neville At Peace With ‘Goal-Gasm’

Gary Neville’s infamous ‘goal-gasm’ during last week’s Chelsea v Barcelona Champions League game may have appeared raw and spontaneous to viewers, but it’s an all-too familiar sound to his wife, Emma.

Neville’s reaction to Fernando Torres’ strike – which earned Chelsea a place in the Champions League final – has gone viral, with YouTubers quick to parody the former England defender’s climactic groan in a range of unlikely and hilarious scenarios.

Neville’s ‘gurgle of coitus’ is believed to have already caught on in the schoolyards of England, with young boys now spurning the dulcet tones of Martin Tyler for the more vocally challenging ‘goal-gasm’ as they commentate their lunchtime matches. Young men, too, are said to be now employing the celebratory sound during sex, much to the chagrin of ladies everywhere.

And the man himself, Neville, is happy for others to emulate what was originally an intimate sound known only to his wife and frustrated neighbours.

“For years Spanish-speaking commentators have dominated the goal celebration stakes – and I think it’s wonderful that now we have an English version to more than match the ‘Gooooooooollllllllll’,” he said.

“But to be honest, it was totally unscripted on my part; it just came out of my body, you know? That’s a groan I usually only reserve for my wife – and to be honest, it’s not something I’m proud of – but I’m glad that the world is celebrating it as an epic moment in televised sport.”

However, the sound that is now being celebrated worldwide was once a major source of embarrassment for the footballer. Neville admits that for years he was unable to achieve actual orgasm with various female partners, worried that, in the throes of passion, he might inadvertently emit his controversial cry.

Wife Emma found the goal-gasm “charming”

“Back when I was a young lad and all the boys were running chasing tail and all that after a match, I would just have a few pints of lager and call it a night,” he remembers. “Some of the lads used to call me a queer for doing that, but really I was just worried that, should I get intimate with a bird, she’d think I was a bit of a wally once that noise came out of my gob.”

“It got to the stage where I simply stopped having orgasms through sex,” Neville confesses. “On the multiple occasions I did get laid, I used to fake an orgasm so as to avoid embarassment. Afterwards I’d go back to the team hotel room and pleasure myself with a footy sock – or a shin-guard – in my mouth. It was the only way!”

It was only upon meeting wife Emma – who Neville describes as “the most understanding woman in Britain” – that the England stalwart felt secure enough to finally embrace his secret quirk. And for her part, Emma – who describes the sound as “an involuntary burst of pure, unadulterated pleasure” – says that critics should consider her feelings before making jokes at the Neville family’s expense.

“The first time I heard Gary make that delirious moaning sound during orgasm I thought, ‘shit, is this guy trying to yodel in Spanish or something?’ Then I grew to appreciate it for what it was: unbridled enthusiasm, sheer ecstasy,” she told The Public Apology.

The facials are said to “match the sound”

“It’s a celebration of our love – and that won’t change, especially now that the ‘goal-gasm’ is probably the most culturally important internet meme of 2012.”

But while Neville is clearly at piece with his unique vocal explosion, one thing remains shrouded in mystery: was the former Manchester United star actually mid-orgasm when calling Torres’ goal? While Neville has already shrugged the incident off to reporters as simply the product of a sore throat, a Sky Sports insider tells The Public Apology that he’s not so sure.

“If you monitor Gary’s behaviour directly after the goal, you can see he exhibited several post-ejaculatory symptoms. For instance, he completely lost interest in the game once the goal was scored. In fact, he proceeded to light up a cigarette in the studio before curling up and going to sleep,” the source says.

“He even refused to spoon Martin Tyler, which was even more unusual.”

By Dave Edwards