The Hilarity That Is Superbowl XLVII

My entire NFL knowledge consists of a rather incongruous smattering of phrases and cliches. Touchdown, End-Zone, Third Down, Special Team, etc. I know that the winning coach in the Superbowl gets showered with Gatorade. But that’s about it.

As such, I felt it necessary to pen my immediate, unfiltered thoughts as I take in the pre-match hype-up/first few minutes of Superbowl XLVII.

1. A bunch of children from Sandy Hook – the Connecticut school where that mass shooting took place late last year – is singing America the Beautiful. America sure knows how to jerk the tears out of you.

2. Alicia Keys is singing the Star Spangled Banner in what can only be described as a largamente tempo. Taking a lot of vocal licence, too. I’m a traditionalist and I don’t like it. Give me Julie Anthony any day.

3. Just looking at both teams during the anthem; it seems like there are a lot of black dudes with painted-on hair these days. What’s with that? When did this start being a thing?

4. There’s no need for the referee to explain the coin toss in such depth. It should be self-explanatory by now.

5. Thought we’d be getting some good Superbowl ads during the break. So far it’s an ad for mobile phone recycling firm ‘MobileMuster’, a Guide Dog ad and a promo for One HD’s Burn Notice.

6. Good first down from the 49ers. But wait, there’s a flag for ‘illegal formation’. Whatever the fuck that means. Nice of the referee to explain it to me, though.

7. Ray Lewis has played football competitively for 17 years. He also has had four wives, six kids and escaped a murder charge before becoming a born-again Christian. He’s the narrative this year’s Superbowl is being built around.

8. White guy comes on to punt for the 9ers. He exits the field now, to no applause.

9. There are always lot of people lingering on the sidelines in the NFL. One day someone is going to get seriously crushed.

10. Great throw by Ravens’ quarterback Joe Flacco. I assume his nickname is Skinny, given it’s the direct Spanish translation of flaco.

Finding a decent spot on the sideline to view the game is tough

11. Loving how a flag gets thrown on the field when the sideline ref sees an indiscretion. So antiquated. With all the sports science and technology being pumped into competitive sports these days, can’t they do better than throwing a flag on to the ground? Seems like something more suited to the battlefields of the 1800s.

12. First touchdown for the Ravens. Nice pass by Flacco. The conversion is successful, 7-0 Ravens.

13. Why do these dudes get so fired up over ‘sacking’ a quarterback? The guy isn’t even moving when you tackle him; he’s basically a sitting duck. Sidenote: the Ravens’ player who made the tackle is now doing a frenetic ‘conductor’ style celebration, as if he is leading the Sydney Symphony Orchestra in some exaggeratedly up-tempo Vivaldi piece. Fuck me.

14. Christ, where are the cool Superbowl ads? Now we’ve got a depressing government-funded ad about melanomas. I want to see Snickers ads featuring celebrities.

By Dave Edwards


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