Border Threatens Unlikely Comeback To Test Cricket

Allan Border has threatened an unlikely comeback to the test arena, with the former captain simply fed up with Australia’s top-order batting failures.

An angry Border told The Public Apology that Australia’s under-performing top-order lacked courage and commitment, adding that “if these fucking poofs won’t get the runs, then I will!”

“I scored 11,174 test runs in my career and not one of them came without a heavy serving of blood, sweat and tears. But these blokes come out and piece together an aesthetically pleasing 20 or 30 then throw their wickets away. They’re soft – fucking soft – I tell you!”

Border said that if granted the opportunity, he’d enjoy showing Australia’s troupe of young, overpaid cricketers what it takes to succeed against the old enemy.

“I’m 57-years-old now, but I’ve still got what it takes to beat those bastards. I averaged 56 in 156 test matches – and, Christ, I was facing blokes like Courtney Walsh and Curtly Ambrose at their peak. If they gave me a crack at that Jimmy Anderson, I’d wipe that arrogant smirk off his stupid English face in seconds!”

The current Australian team is lacking spirit, masculinity and sufficient arm hair, according to Border, who said that he’d love to have a one-on-one with “that fairy” Michael Clarke about captaincy.

“This prick throws the ball to Watson because they had a little tiff off the field, but that’s not how you captain a group of men. You should be unyielding as a leader and never submit to your subordinates! Men crave discipline, it’s that simple.”

In his time as captain, Border said he used to openly chastise players for hanging out with their wives and girlfriends on their days off. He lamented Michael Clarke’s effeminate brand of leadership, advocating a return to the “no wives and girlfriends on tour” policy he championed back in the 1980s.

“These blokes can’t wait to get back to the sheds and tee up a shag with their missuses on their iPhones. But sexual frustration is the key to on-field success. Women are destroying the joint!” he said, pointing to to the US army by way of example.

“And one more thing: captaincy isn’t about democracy; it’s not a fucking women’s group out there. It’s about calling a spade a spade and a cunt a cunt. And all I see at the moment out there is 11 overpaid cunts,” Border raged, flecks of spittle flying from his weather-beaten lips.

By Dave Edwards