Why I Don’t Give a Solitary F*ck About This Baseball Fixture

So Major League Baseball hit Sydney? Whoop-de-doo.

Forgive me for not being tickled pink by the notion, but the arrogance displayed by the players, who have publicly stated they don’t want to be here, and the fact it is nothing more than the equivalent of a learning impaired younger brother to cricket, has me wondering why they even bothered?

It in fact begs a million questions, but I will settle for three. Why did we violate the hallowed ground of the SCG by turning it into a baseball diamond and forcing the Sheffield Shield final to be played elsewhere? Why did we fill the food stores with artery clogging monstrosities that actually make the humble meat pie seem the healthy alternative?

And perhaps most stirringly – why are we celebrating the worst of America?

Fat, white, rich Americans are hardly sitting at the top of anybody’s favourite people list. Apart from, of course, fat, white, rich Americans. These are the people I associate baseball (and the NFL) with, and these are the people who think a 60cm ‘Superdog’ is something we should be sinking our teeth into.

Is Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers (not to be confused with Willie ‘Fucking’ Mason) that far removed from your average baseball fan/player? If Kenny ‘Fucking’ Powers were in fact playing, I’d be first one through the gates, but he’s not. Instead we have a bunch of equally arrogant, but far less charismatic dropkicks whose only discernible talents are either being able to hit or throw a ball.

And intrinsically isn’t that all baseball is?

An arm like a goddamn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, a mind like a fucking scientist... And unfortunately not playing in Sydney.
An arm like a goddamn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, a mind like a fucking scientist… And unfortunately not playing in Sydney.

Comparisons with cricket have always annoyed me because the similarities end after the glaringly obvious ones. Cricket has strategy. It is a game of mental fortitude. A gruelling test of one’s concentration and will to survive and conquer (I am obviously talking about Test cricket here, not 20/20, because in my mind… that’s just not cricket).

Baseball is basically just chuck the ball at me three times and I’ll try hit it over the fence or away from the fielders. Get a big bloke with decent hand eye coordination and you’ve got yourself a Major Leaguer! I’m sure baseball fans will be saying there is more to it than that, but if a pile of shit has a few marshmallows shoved in it, it is still a pile of shit. In fact, they would probably serve said delicacy at a baseball game.

Let’s be honest, the only good thing about baseball is the movies – Major League, A League of Their Own, Moneyball, Major League 2. But these movies weren’t really about baseball were they? Baseball was just the platform on which to build intricate character dynamics and put Charlie Sheen in a leather jacket.

And show-off Kevin Costner's natural athletic ability
And show-off Kevin Costner’s natural athletic ability

 

By Al McClintock

Jobs Coup for Victorian Economy as TPA Relocates to Melbourne

The Victorian economy received a welcome boost to its jobs market today, with obscure Sydney-based sports media empire TPA Media Holdings (The Public Apology) announcing it will relocate headquarters to Melbourne, effective March 17.

The move was secured with support from the Victorian government and comes despite rumours of a substantial financial incentive (commercial in confidence) offered by the O’Farrell government to keep the firm in Sydney.

The relocation will create two (2) part-time/casual/temporary jobs within Victoria, with the option for further expansion and job creation within the coming decade.

TPA Media Holdings director Dave Edwards said that the group had chosen to relocate to Victoria in a bid to reduce overheads and secure greater market share.

The Public Apology is arguably Australia’s best-loved obscure sentimentalist sports blog, and we feel Victoria offers us the best prospect of achieving our ambitious growth targets,” Edwards said.

“2014 has been a big year for The Public Apology, with the acquisition of competitor The Sporting Regard having been completed. Following our relocation to Melbourne, we will be looking to make further in-roads into the crowded marketplace of online sports opinion microblogging.”

Edwards said that while Sydney had been a “great home” to The Public Apology since the firm was established in 2011, Melbourne’s terrible weather, good coffee and strong cultural cliches “undoubtedly make it a more ‘writer-friendly’ location.”

“Our readers should be assured that while the coffee references, fashion and analogies between football players and tram routes will improve exponentially, our content will still remain pithy, lethargic and spiteful,” he said.

Victorian premier Denis Napthine described the government’s move to assist The Public Apology’s relocation as a “strategic investment.”

“This will have a flow-on effect within the Victorian economy. The Public Apology’s relocation will help develop Melbourne’s already rich sports media ecosystem and potentially create highly skilled jobs sometime within the next 10 years,” he said.

The Public Apology will continue to operate its Sydney office, with contributors in the U.S. and England to be retained on a per-article basis. There are no expected redundancies.

AAP MediaNet

TPA Remains Liquid Despite Bitcoin Slump: Founder

The Public Apology has moved to allay fears that the media company is facing financial turmoil following the dramatic price slump in virtual Bitcoin currency.

The Public Apology purchased obscure sports media website The Sporting Regard earlier this year in a deal done entirely in Bitcoin currency. The sale price was never made public.

Since then, the price of Bitcoin has tumbled by some 20% following the collapse of one of its leading exchanges, Mt Cox. Hackers are believed to have stolen an estimated US$460 million from the Mt Cox exchange in what some analysts have described as a “virtual bank job.”

The Public Apology founder Dave Edwards said that the company’s Bitcoin holdings were not tied up in the Mt Cox exchange and that the company remains as liquid as ever before.

“We purchased The Sporting Regard using Bitcoin currency at a time when it was doing very well against the Australian dollar. Since then, we have folded TSR into our operations and used the free cash flow to fund a range of new initiatives, which we will be announcing in the coming months,” Edwards said.

The Public Apology was one of the first start-up media businesses to complete a merger entirely in Bitcoin currency. Edwards himself was an early investor in Bitcoin along with a range of other open source software start-ups, following a rather enjoyable trip to Silicon Valley in late-2010.

Edwards said that the terms of the merger involved providing The Sporting Regard co-owners Sam Perry and Ben Shine with an equity stake in The Public Apology, with additional costs incurred for replacing the now-defunct website.

“We enlisted KPMG to evaluate the worth of The Sporting Regard before stepping into the M&A process, and I’m happy with that valuation. Following careful due diligence, we were very confident in using Bitcoin as the currency for acquisition.”

“I’d just like to assure our readers and strategic partners that The Public Apology is completely liquid. We’ve got a number of innovative solutions in our product pipeline and we look forward to bringing those to market in the coming months.”

Meanwhile, Edwards said that he hopes to take The Public Apology public, adding that he has been talking with a number of private investors in regards to an initial public offering “within the next year or so.”

Bitcoin was trading at US$678.6 at time of publishing.

AAP