Perhaps Donald Sterling Knew He Was Being Set Up?

Having now listened to the spine-tingling audio of LA Clippers’ owner Donald Sterling’s racist tirade, it’s hard to believe he didn’t realise he was being set up.

Perhaps he has reached that wonderful stage of senility where the desire to rant wildly is greater than the actual content itself.

Actually, I’d like to posit that perhaps Sterling knew he was being recorded – and simply didn’t care.

He knew that these words would swiftly reverberate around the league – and the world – and, as an old-fashioned cracker, he felt he had every right to make these sweeping, racially-charged statements.

Years of propping up poor black athletes – providing them with meals, accommodation and access to an unlimited supply of [black/white/latino/mixed race] women – has taken its toll on the humanitarian Sterling.

There’s something terrifyingly real about surreptitiously captured audio – and it’s never good, is it? No one ever leaks a positive audio file, in which the subject comes off as a well-adjusted, selfless individual. Generally, they come off as a psycho/sociopath, ala Christian Bale and Alec Baldwin, or as a racist in the case of Sterling and countless others.

Sports smile?
Sports smile?

It must be hard for those white men of Sterling’s age – and by that I mean those who legitimately believe, thanks to social conditioning in their formative years and a general lack of education, that white people are the superior race in all facets. Perhaps they have direct lineage to slave owners, or retain vivid memories of a time when black people were literally subservient to whites.

Basically, this whole thing just goes to show that NBA team ownership is a status symbol; something to be waved in another rich guy’s face to say ‘hey, look how much money and power I have!’ Bill Simmons at Grantland* touched on this last week in great detail.

It is a necessary evil in the NBA – and US professional sports in general – that the team owners must by nature be billionaires. Most teams run at a loss, and owners must accept that they’re not in this business to make money, which can take some getting used to for those who measure their self-worth by where they sit on the Forbes Rich List.

Put simply, there’s no place for emotionally charged, George Piggins-style leadership in the NBA. As a buyer, you take whatever franchise you can get in whatever city is available, and write as many zeros on the check as the market dictates.

An owner-led street march would never happen in the NBA
An owner-led street march would never happen in the NBA

But the power is immense – and in the NBA, owners rule the roost.

However, with more and more billionaires lining up for a slice of the power pie, Sterling’s seat at the throne is no longer assured. There are plenty of rich white guys in America keen on buying a team right now, as the recent sale of Milwaukee confirmed. And, in 2014, there are plenty of black guys interested in buying teams, too.

Indeed, it beggars belief that Sterling could not have realised that the landscape has shifted as such. And perhaps that was what triggered this racial outburst.

With rapper Jay-Z now part-owner of the Brooklyn Nets – and NBA legend Michael Jordan owning the Bobcats – rich black guys are creeping into his domain.

These are black guys paying salaries to other black guys! It’s no longer white guys writing the checks in the NBA, in other words.

So, feeling increasingly redundant – like Bert Cooper in season 7 of Mad Men, who still wishes to keep black employees ‘out of sight and out of mind’ – Sterling has uncouthly shown his racist streak.

And he probably wanted people to hear it – and I wager that he remains steadfastly unapologetic.

By Dave Edwards

* I feel that we’re two more Grantland references away from a ‘cease and desist’ letter re: copyright infringement

An Apology For… Eddie McGuire. Donald Sterling. Geoff Huegill

In what has been a big few days for sporting scandal, it was simply too hard for us to split who to apologise for in this second instalment of our new series, An Apology For… Thus, TPA’s Alasdair McClintock has opted to acknowledge a ‘hat-trick’ of inappropriateness.

 *  *  *  *  *  *

It is ironic that the first time Eddie McGuire does something I find remotely likeable, I am to write a piece apologising for it. Let’s face it: not many people like Eddie. He is a painfully biased, over-opinionated knucklehead, with far too much power and not enough of a conscience to do anything with it bar push his own agenda.

Still, him accidentally calling Kane Cornes an “old c*nt” on Fox Footy brought an endearing smile to my lips. For the first time in my life I actually thought ‘hey, maybe I could have a beer with Eddie.’ I probably never would, though. His ongoing verbal fellatio of the Collingwood football club would prove too much for me. But maybe, just maybe he’s not as bad as I thought. Maybe.

Speaking of old c*nts, Donald Sterling must be awarded the prestigious C*nt of the Week Award and is no doubt a frontrunner for the annual trophy*. If you missed out on the racism scandal surrounding the longest-serving NBA owner and his LA Clippers, Sterling was allegedly** recorded by his (clearly loving) girlfriend as she goads him into less of a racist rant and more of a horribly prejudiced ramble.

Old. White. Confused.
Old. White. Confused.

Here’s a selection of some of the comments he is alleged to have made:

“It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you are associating with black people. Do you have to?”

“You can sleep with (black people). You can bring them in. You can do whatever you want. The little I ask is not to promote it on that… and not to bring them to my games.”

“In your lousy… Instagrams you don’t have to have yourself walking with black people.”

What the hell? Is this guy serious? He thinks Instagram is lousy??? Adding further intrigue to the drama is that his (clearly loving) pseudo-girlfriend is herself mixed-race, being of a Mexican/African-American background. If he doesn’t like black people why is he presumably shagging one? And why does he own an NBA team? Is this a slavery thing?

I am impressed that he has no problem if she sleeps around, with black people or otherwise, and I remain unsure what “you can bring them in” actually means, but it is safe to say this guy needs to be put out to pasture… and perhaps shot.

Finally to the other C-word. Cocaine. Sweet, sweet, cocaine. And it emerged week that Geoff Huegill was caught – again, allegedly – switching black lines for white lines at Randwick Racecourse.

Huegill is a guy who clearly loves to party and, like all good Aussie swimmers, doesn’t do things by halves. Swimmers live such an extreme life when competing, is it any wonder they struggle to adapt when they retire? So what if he felt the need blow off a bit of steam in some disabled toilets? I do question the setting, but not his desperate need to get as high as a motherfucker.

Health and happiness, Uncle Tobys etc.
Health and happiness, Uncle Tobys etc.

Am I condoning the use of illicit drugs? Yes. Yes I am.

However, I do hope that this isn’t the start of another fat phase for “Skippy”. The country needs Geoff Huegill fit, healthy and smiling. The nation’s economic situation has a direct correlation to Heugill’s waistline***. Skippy be fat, country be poor. Simple as that. Watch out Prime Minister Abbott, all your budget slashing and broken promises will amount to nothing if Skippy hits the pies again. You have been warned.

The real apology should be coming from Randwick Racecourse security anyway. If I’m in a private box at the races I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I please – short of fornicating with a victorious steed or setting fire to a staff member.

So on behalf of Randwick Racecourse I would like to apologise to Geoff Huegill. Party on Geoff. May your intoxication be joyous and your waist remain slim.

By Alasdair McClintock

*No such trophy exists, but it should.

** I must stress that it is all alleged at this stage, but for the sake of this article I am going to assume the voice in the recording is in fact his. If not, the next An Apology For… may just be for me.

***  I have no evidence to support this notion.

Geoff Huegill’s Drug Arrest at Odds with Tired Cliché that Marriage is No Fun

Geoff Huegill’s arrest for allegedly being caught in possession of cocaine demonstrates that men can get married and still live out the hard-partying halcyon days of their mid-20s, according to a prominent Sydney psychologist.

Huegill and wife Sara were approached by police while in a suite at Randwick Racecourse grandstand on Saturday, with the couple allegedly found in possession of a small quantity of white powder.

The Sydney Morning Herald reported that uniformed and undercover police had concentrated their sting on the exclusive members area known as The Stables. At this venue, entire Sydney waterfront estates have been known to disappear up patrons’ noses within minutes, according to one insider.

RMIT academic and psychologist, Reginald L. Schwillinger, told The Public Apology that Huegill’s arrest will be viewed positively by men who have reluctantly entered into common law marriage due to sustained pressure from their partners.

“A lot of people talk about how when men enter into marriage, they basically agree to sort themselves out, give up the benders and to settle down with the woman they love for a life time of dedicated monogamy,” the 64-year-old said.

“It’s an outdated and somewhat sexist stereotype that men only get married because “they have to,” whereas for women it’s the fulfilment of a life-long dream that stems back to reading stories about princesses in their childhood.”

"A tired cliche..."
“A tired cliche…”

“But here, we see that Huegill’s wife clearly [allegedly] loves getting on a bit of gear – and that’s got to be great for their relationship that they’re both on that same level.”

Schwillinger said that, drugs aside, it’s a sign of a healthy relationship that the 2010 Commonwealth gold medal winner and his wife are able to go out and have fun together.

“A lot of couples run in different circles, ostensibly living separate lives, and I honestly think that there’s nothing more beautiful than brokering a drug deal with your loved one before railing up together in a Randwick Racecourse cubicle,” he said.

“Also, have you ever tried sex in a cubicle while high on coke? Bellissimo.” 

By Dave Edwards