Kid Hits Puberty Early, Will Dominate Rugby For Two Years

A 9-year-old boy has hit puberty early and will dominate underage rugby for the next two years, according to sources.

The boy, Andrew Simpkins, is proving absolutely unstoppable in the local Grace Hill U10s competition, with 13 tries this season in just six games.

Mothers are reportedly scared that the red-haired Simpkins will inflict an injury on their sons, who really do appear tiny compared to this pubic disaster.

“He’s got two years of dominance before the other kids catch up, then it’s good night nurse,” one cynical parent told The Public Apology.

The Grace Hill Rugby Club is considering implementing a program designed to help early bloomers transition to normal adolescent life after their two-year reign is over.

“These kids need to realise early that puberty-based dominance is temporary – and it’s what you do with your life afterwards that counts,” Club President Harold Lindsay said.

“We just need to give these kids the tools they need to succeed. There is life after early on-set puberty.”

By staff writers

Socceroos Arrive At Brasil World Cup ‘Unfashionably Early’

The Socceroos are the first team to land in Brasil for the 2014 World Cup, with an etiquette expert slamming the arrival as “unfashionably early.”

Meryl McNamara, 82, said that the Socceroos decision to arrive well before the party has truly started was a “bad look.” However, she said that the team could make up for it by helping Brasil get ready for the event.

“In situations where a guest has arrived early to a party, it is polite to pitch in with a range of small tasks in order to help out the host – who is likely preoccupied with other things,” she said.

“For example, they could light candles, open the wine, toss the salad – that kind of thing.”

The etiquette expert added that the young Australians could open the door for other early arriving guests. “They can pour wine, dig in to appetizers, and keep each other entertained for a few minutes,” she suggested.

“Anyway, the fiesta won’t really get started until the big names like Spain, Argentina, Germany and Portugal get here. That’s when we’ll all start doing body shots and shagging each other in the bushes, high on sangria and life.”

By staff writers

SCG Member Brings Friend To Swans Game, Move Backfires

A well-meaning SCG member who invited his Adelaide friend to a Swans game will never do that again, according to reports.

The two men attended a Swans v Adelaide match recently, which the Crows won in a cliff-hanger. The guest, an extremely vocal Adelaide fan, turned around to give the members stand a gleefully emphatic “up yours” arm salute.

Later, the guest appeared to show little remorse over his actions, continuing to rub Adelaide’s victory in his friend’s nose during the walk back to Central Station.

“We’re the pride of South Australia; we’re the Mighty Adelaide Crows!” he sang, much to the discomfort of his friend.

“I’m never bringing that c*nt to a Swans game again,” the SCG member vowed.

By staff writers