Middle-Aged Man Still Pathetically Looks Up Grade Cricket Results

A paunchy, middle-aged man who retired from grade cricket over a decade ago still pathetically looks up the results in the paper every Sunday morning, The Public Apology can report.

Rick White, 46, reluctantly retired from grade cricket in 2003 upon finding out wife Milly was pregnant with their second child.

But despite an 11-year hiatus, White still feels compelled to monitor the progress of his former club and its stable of young players, with whom he has no direct relationship with whatsoever.

“Every Sunday morning it’s the same: put the kettle on, fry up some bacon and eggs, grab the Herald and turn straight to the back pages to see who ‘tonned up’,” Milly noted.

White told The Public Apology that he is currently debating whether to do a season in fifth grade “just to feel relevant again.”

“I’d love to mentor some of the young kids coming through and help them achieve their cricketing goals,” he added.

Meanwhile, long-serving club president Harold Michaels told The Public Apology that he couldn’t remember who Rick White was “for the life of me”.

“But that said, if there’s anything we need more of here, it’s old bastards who hate their wives and want to ‘give something back’ to the club by ostensibly babysitting a bunch of loose 20-something dickheads for eight hours every Saturday,” he added.

By staff writers

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