Gallen Should Sue NRL: Academic

RMIT media law expert Professor Phil Smits has told The Public Apology that Sharks captain Paul Gallen should move to sue the NRL over their $50k fine, given his insult was factually correct.

“Under defamation law, the defendant can be exonerated if their comment is deemed to be based in fact,” he said.

“And Paul Gallen is correct – the NRL are an ensemble of c*nts.

“While the NRL are not literally a slang term for a part of the female anatomy, they do fit under the alternative definition of term. That is, a person so vile as to be without any redeeming feature.

Case law
Case law

“It also goes without saying that the second clause of Mr Gallen’s statement – that nobody in the NRL cares about the feelings over their players – is demonstrably true,” he said.

Mr Smits did however place a caveat on his unsolicited legal advice to Paul Gallen.

“The only thing Gallen has going against him is the fact he deleted the tweet so quickly. In doing so, he may have repudiated his original statement,” he said.

“Despite this, I believe Mr Gallen has a strong case.”

At the time of publication, it was unknown whether Paul Gallen is considering using this defence in his appeal against the NRL’s decision.

By staff writers.

Marsh Fucks Baggy Green

Test debutant Mitchell Marsh may have joked about kicking his “glamour girlfriend” out of bed in favour of his baggy green.

However, The Public Apology can reveal that things escalated later that night once the lights went out – and passion took over.

“I wasn’t expecting things to move past the platonic stage, but the felt texture and green hue really turned me on,” he said.

“As I lay in bed with it, I was transfixed and intrigued by by the baggy green. It’s fine craftsmanship, its delicate hem and exquisitely embroidered crest really got my engine going.

“Soon I could bear it no more,” Marsh continued. “I gave in to my lustful desires and grabbed the cap passionately with both hands.

“It was our first time, so we had wanted to take it slowly, but it didn’t take long for things to really ramp up a notch.

“The next few hours were a haze of ecstatic lovemaking, ranging from gentle canoodling to some really dangerous territory involving obscure role play.

“Somewhere around dawn we fell asleep in a deep embrace. Two lovers had become one,” he wistfully concluded.

However, some activist groups are up in arms, claiming that Marsh’s act was non-consensual.

The baggy green was contacted for comment but did not return our phone calls, on virtue of being an inanimate object.

By staff writers.

Rugby League Is Clinically Depressed

Paul Gallen is the human representation of the NRL. If he is depressed, it means Rugby League is also depressed.

Rugby league has been showing classic signs of depression for years.

It has been having trouble remaining interested in daily life. It no longer enjoys once pleasurable activities such as international football – it’s simply been going through the motions for the past decade and a half.

The embodiment on rugby league
The embodiment of rugby league

Rugby league also engages in self loathing, reckless behaviour. It makes decisions, like trying to make new friends in Melbourne, which have the unintended effect of turning it’s existing friends in Sydney away.

Rugby league feels helpless and hopeless. Caught between not knowing whatever it wants to be a global entertainment package or a tribal sport with strong Australian roots and rusted on local support, it is riven with a deep existential angst.

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"
“What do I want to be when I grow up?”

Rugby league needs time out. It needs a break and a bit of separation from the negative influences in its life. A weekend break to Bali will not be enough. It needs a one to two year sabbatical in Barcelona, Berlin or somewhere equally foreign.

But rugby league will need more than a break. It will also need psychoanalysis. It needs to lie down on the couch and have a 50-year-old woman with horned glasses and a Germanic name gently probe into its past.

Over the course of twelve one-hour sessions, rugby league will drill down into its own psyche. Deep insecurities stemming from a troubled family life will surface. Events including the messy divorce of parents Kerry and Rupert in the mid 90s, which resulted in the abandonment of children Rabbit, Steel, Bear and others, will be identified as a key driver of rugby league’s current malaise.

The court cases were especially traumatic
The court cases were especially traumatic

But the therapy sessions will go beyond blaming family for all of rugby league’s troubles – for rugby league must accept responsibility for its current predicament. The alcohol-fuelled benders, domestic violence charges and steroid abuse, viewed so often as a symptom of rugby league’s problems, will come to be seen as a fundamental root of the problem, and something that must be addressed in its own right through a series of courses on anger management and substance abuse treatment, as well as daily Transcendental Meditation.

There will be crying and there will be anger, and rugby league will have to ask itself a lot of hard questions. It will go to some pretty dark, disturbing places, yet with the guidance of our therapist, a solid support network of family and friends, and some good old fashioned hard work, rugby league may one day be healthy enough to regain its place as a functioning and contributing member to Australian society*.

By Ben Shine

*This article is not intended to cause offence to those suffering mental illness. For anyone facing difficulties, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.