Test debutant Mitchell Marsh may have joked about kicking his “glamour girlfriend” out of bed in favour of his baggy green.
However, The Public Apology can reveal that things escalated later that night once the lights went out – and passion took over.
“I wasn’t expecting things to move past the platonic stage, but the felt texture and green hue really turned me on,” he said.
“As I lay in bed with it, I was transfixed and intrigued by by the baggy green. It’s fine craftsmanship, its delicate hem and exquisitely embroidered crest really got my engine going.
“Soon I could bear it no more,” Marsh continued. “I gave in to my lustful desires and grabbed the cap passionately with both hands.
“It was our first time, so we had wanted to take it slowly, but it didn’t take long for things to really ramp up a notch.
“The next few hours were a haze of ecstatic lovemaking, ranging from gentle canoodling to some really dangerous territory involving obscure role play.
“Somewhere around dawn we fell asleep in a deep embrace. Two lovers had become one,” he wistfully concluded.
However, some activist groups are up in arms, claiming that Marsh’s act was non-consensual.
The baggy green was contacted for comment but did not return our phone calls, on virtue of being an inanimate object.
By staff writers.