A 29-year-old man who was involved in a controversial grade cricket fixture last weekend has finally realised that, yes, he is wasting his life.
The epiphany came as his Western Suburbs captain chose to declare the innings at 0/17 – allegedly under pressure from Cricket NSW and Cricket Australia – to ensure his teammate and Australian captain, Michael Clarke, would bat on Day Two next weekend.
The man had been asked by his captain to “slide down the order to accommodate Pup,” despite averaging 46.4 this season, including three not outs. While initially elated to be doing something that may have a positive impact on the near-term future of Australian cricket, this joy quickly turned to frustration, then later, existentialism.
Upon returning home, the man did some quick calculations to find that, since 2002, he has paid between A$450 and A$600 per year in registration to sit on a bench waiting to bat in what is an essentially meaningless fixture.
The Public Apology understands that the man’s personal life has also taken a hit over the years, with two promising long-term relationships faltering due to his inexplicable commitment to playing amateur cricket for absolutely no remuneration.
At time of publishing, the man is believed to be looking into that short course he always thought about doing but never could, due to the fact that he’s been standing on a fucking cricket field every Saturday (and often Sundays too) from October-March for the past 19 years.
By staff writers