EDITORIAL: Australian Children Are Apparently Just A Bunch Of Pansies Now

Australian children are apparently a bunch of fucking pansies who would rather wile away their time on the latest iPhone than play a bit of backyard cricket, according to a new study.

And we at The Public Apology are deeply, deeply concerned.

This particular study has found that two thirds of Australian girls and a quarter of boys cannot throw a ball overarm, with seven in 10 Australian children “below average” at throwing, kicking, catching, striking and dribbling a ball.

The study also found that 90% of modern Australian kids perform below average when compared to their American counterparts, based on a similar U.S. study in the year 2000.

The Public Apology is appalled at the findings. We implore all new parents out there to make a concerted effort to raise your children – regardless of gender – on a healthy diet of sport and wholesome outdoor activities. The future of sport depends on it.

Please do not buy your children an iPhone, an iPad, a MacBook, or any consumer electronic device for that matter, until it is absolutely necessary.

Yes, I know it can be tempted to immediately cave to adorable little Jimmy’s whims when he campaigns for the latest gizmo. I also understand that raising children is a difficult thing, what with time pressures, work/life balance and all that other stuff.

But please, think about the future of Australian sport before you do so.

Australian Cricket Needs a Leadership Spill

There is rampant speculation over the nation’s two highest leadership positions: the Prime Ministership, and the Australian cricket captaincy. No matter how you butter it, Australia really is in a state of turmoil.

Michael Clarke is in many ways just like Tony Abbott, in that they both appear to be out of touch with mainstream Australia.

Both have made massive misjudgements of late – in Abbott’s case, the knighthood of Prince Phillip; in Clarke’s, his relationship with Cricket Australia and handling of the captaincy issue.

Meanwhile, competent challengers to both positions wait calmly in the wings: Julie Bishop and Steve Smith.

Bishop and Stephen Smith doing some radio
Bishop and Stephen Smith doing some radio

Clarke, despite an admirable public performance in the immediate aftermath of the Hughes tragedy, has burned a lot of bridges throughout his career. He appears to think that he has enough credit in the bank to get through a few more years, even though his injuries are a genuine (and rightful) concern.

It would not surprise if Clarke’s own hubris contributes to his downfall.

Clarke’s late-years career resembles, in some respects, that of John Winston Howard. An ageing, creaky-limbed stalwart, he hangs feverishly onto the top job with liver-spotted hands.  This determination to remain in power, against all good advice, means he risks the embarrassment of losing his seat of Bennelong to Maxine McKew.

Smith, obviously, takes the role of Peter Costello in this analogy: the logical successor waiting to be handed the keys to the city.

However, Smith is still seemingly happy to play second fiddle to Clarke. Earlier this month, he said: “I’m only temporary at the moment. It’s Michael’s team and when he comes back he’ll jump straight back in.”

Liver-spotted hands
Liver-spotted hands

Leadership spills are generally seen in a negative light here in Australia, especially since the Rudd-Gillard-Rudd debacle. In politics, a leadership challenge is a huge move to make; one fraught with danger for the challenger. A failed spill can be career-ending, in fact.

Smith’s public statements are extremely conservative – and if he were to show a bit more conviction in his desire to be the sole leader of Australian cricket (ODIs and test match cricket, that is), then I have no doubt he would get the job.

The same goes for Bishop – although I’ll admit the stakes are higher in federal politics. That said, the difference between Abbott and Rudd is marked: Abbott’s key problem is with the public, whereas Rudd’s issues were internal to the Labor Party.

Is this regard, Bishop is closer to Paul Keating than Julia Gillard. By usurping a sitting Prime Minster she would have the backing of the public (not just the party room), and thus wouldn’t face the same criticism that dogged Gillard. People weren’t ready to see Rudd knifed; they tired of Abbott months ago.

Bishop and Smith are the friendly and competent faces of tomorrow. But why wait until tomorrow?

By Dave Edwards

The Ian Higgins Show Featuring TPA’s Dave J. Edwards

This week on The Ian Higgins Show, Higgins and TPA founder Dave Edwards discuss:

  • Nick Kyrgios and Andy Murray: two polar opposite human beings.
  • How the Australian public just wants to love someone in this troubling post-Pat Rafter/Lleyton Hewitt era.
  • How Australia should never lose to the U.A.E. in any sport, regardless of the code.
  • Michael Clarke’s return to grade cricket.
  • Robert Allenby. Lots of stuff on this bloke.

As always, click the media player below to listen in on a conversation between two blokes who should know better.