BREAKING: Robert Allenby Kidnapping Just Run of the Mill Crime; No Weird Kinky Sex Shit Involved

The alleged kidnapping and bashing of Australian golf star Robert Allenby was simply an opportunistic crime and probably did not involve any “weird, kinky sex shit,” according to Honolulu police officials.

Honolulu Police Chief Barry Saunders told The Public Apology that so far there is no real hard evidence to suggest anything other than a conventional mugging.

“I’ll admit, this case looks really fishy on the surface,” Saunders said.

“One guy being led from a wine bar by two other men, then being found bashed and robbed in a carpark has all the hallmarks of a gay sexual rendezvous gone wrong.

“We see these types of cases all the time around here. But in this instance, quite bizarrely, Mr Allenby just appears to be the victim of a random crime.”

Since the incident emerged, the overwhelming sentiment on social media is that it all seems a bit ‘suss’, with lots of thinly veiled speculation that Allenby’s predicament may even have been the result of a risky sex game gone wrong.

“The media reports said he was drinking at a ‘wine bar’. If they just said it was a ‘bar’, and left it at that, I wouldn’t have thought any more of it, but the adjective ‘wine’ really does evoke sordid sexual imagery,” Tectater1981 tweeted.

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It turns out these misgivings were unfounded
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Nope mcurrie95, nothing to see here
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Well, I guess an unprovoked random crime is pretty weird.
It turns out these misgivings were unfounded
Sometimes gossip is best left un-said

“Everyone knows that golfers have voracious appetites – and while Allenby is only a low-profile, mid-tier golfer with no previous history of rampant sexual activities, I can’t imagine him to be any less insatiable than Tiger [Woods],” another commentator, Jeremyredman2, remarked.

At the time of publication, Honolulu Police had not ruled out the possibility Robert Allenby’s kidnapping was the work of an international criminal syndicate, ala the plot all the films in the Taken series, as initially suggested by Mr Allenby.

By staff writers

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