AMERICA: A Bad Super Bowl XLIX Primer

It’s motherfucking Super Bowl time! AMERICA! The New England Patriots vs The Seattle Seahawks. The Pixies vs Nirvana. Frasier vs Cheers. 

Super Bowl XLIX, to be precise. Funny that a country which generally eschews any form of foreign culture is so willing to embrace the numeric system employed in ancient Rome, but that’s another article entirely.

We don’t have much time, but here are a few key talking points to consider:

1. Will Marshawn Lynch speak? He’s taken a leaf out of the Liberal Party handbook by simply repeating the same phrase over and over again at various press conferences. So will he speak, if the Seahawks win? And what will he say? He must have plenty to say, I’d wager. Probably about the importance of God in one’s life.

2. Belichick is up against his own predecessor, with Seahawks coach Pete Carroll holding the Patriots job before him. But fuck that narrative: the real question for us at TPA is whether Belichick wear a hoodie or not? We’re betting he will.

Casual, iconic
Casual, iconic

3. Who will win the all-important QB showdown: Tom Brady, or Russell Wilson? Despite Wilson’s impressive win rate since joining the Seahawks – 36-12 – he’s up against a player who has dominated the code for the past decade. That said, Wilson is 10-0 vs Superbowl winning QBs – an exceptional record. As always, this is the only match up you need to worry about.

4. How much plastic surgery has Bob Costas had? Seriously?

So get the fuck out of the office to your nearest pub, order a generous helping of buffalo wings and a few pitchers of Coors Light, and settle in for three or four hours of frustrating stop-start play and a slew of entertaining, high-budget commercials that will probably feature Jerry Seinfeld, because this is as American as you’re ever going to get.

By staff writers

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