A Trio Of Metaphors To Describe The Gold Coast Titans

The NRL has today announced it will take ownership of the embattled Gold Coast Titans, in the the wake of the drug scandal engulfing the club.

Hot on the back of this news, The Public Apology’s Dave Edwards, Sam Perry and Ben Shine have each proposed their unique take on the crisis – in our favourite form, the metaphor.

*  *  *  *  *  *

Dave Edwards: The Gold Coast rugby league franchise is street corner real estate in the CBD…

It seems like a great idea. There will be heaps of foot traffic due to the prime location. Busy office workers have been crying out for a quality lunch-time option.

It starts its life as a popular cafe, but quickly loses traction due to poor customer service, and before you know it, it’s been replaced with a sushi shop.

The sushi shop is initially well-received, with health-conscious corporates flocking in droves to sample their brown rice rolls with salmon and avocado. However, the gentle Japanese immigrant owners fail to handle the fast-paced, cut-throat nature of CBD food service and soon enough, a Pie Face takes over.

Misjudged the market.
Misjudged the market.

In the first six months, the new Pie Face seems to be thriving, but initial enthusiasm eventually wanes, as it customarily does with Pie Face franchises. Soon the shop front is boarded up, and there’s a ‘For Lease’ sign out the front of the store.

It seems strategically important to have a rugby league team up on the Gold Coast, especially given the recent success of AFL side the Gold Coast Suns. But we’ve seen the Giants, the Seagulls and the Chargers all come and go over the years.

Maybe it’s time to knock the place down and turn it into a serviced apartment complex? Retail just isn’t working here.

 *  *  *

Sam Perry: The the NRL is a teacher that plays ‘favourites’…

The Gold Coast Titans have been taking the piss for a decade. Yet despite their history of poor behaviour, they remain the teacher’s pet.

The teacher simply can’t get enough of the Gold Coast – turning a blind eye, defending them in front of class and getting others in trouble when they complain.

Mr Smith appreciated his daily apple, a gift from his Golden pupil.
Mr Smith appreciated his daily apple, a gift from his Golden pupil.

In contrast, kids behaving similarly, like Norths, Wests and Balmain, keep getting busted. And when they do, the punishment is harsh.

After a bit of mucking around (financially), Norths were unceremoniously kicked out of class (rugby league) altogether. Meanwhile, Wests and Balmain, two students constantly at war with one another, were forced to share a desk for the rest of the term.

With a teacher prone to harsh and inconsistent punishments, nobody in the class can understand why the Gold Coast continues to skate through trouble without getting so much as a detention.

It’s not fair, Miss.

  *  *  *

Ben Shine: The Gold Coast Titans are the US auto industry in 2008…

The Gold Coast Titans are Too Big To Fail.

Like banks, secondary mortgage lenders and US car manufacturers following the Global Financial Crisis, the NRL has decided rugby league on the Gold Coast is too important to lose. So it’s bailing them out.

In 2008, the US Government spent $50 billion to bail-out General Motors (as well as Chrysler). In doing so, they helped save fundamental components of the American Dream: blue collar jobs and American-made cars.

Auto workers: a national icon that had to be saved
Auto workers: a national icon that had to be saved

In bailing on the Titans on the Gold Coast, Dave Smith is helping save fundamental components of the NRL dream: a national code with large TV audiences in major cities.

But at what cost? The US Government lost $11.2 billion on its bailout of GM alone, and a lot of political support in the process.

How much is the NRL willing to spend to save their dream?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *