Melbourne Corporate Guy Begrudgingly Accepts Free Box Tickets to State of Origin

A Melbourne banker has begrudgingly accepted a brace of highly sought after box tickets to tonight’s State of Origin clash at the MCG.

Andrew Robertson, 35, was gifted the free corporate tickets from a client, as a token of appreciation for their long-standing business cooperation.

Upon receiving the tickets, Robertson – a Xavier alumni and Melbourne Demons member – was seen to cringe awkwardly before eventually composing himself to thank the client.

“He had this weird grimace on his face which said ‘shit, I actually have to go to this thing?'” one colleague told The Public Apology.

“Later, he asked me whether I wanted to go in his place, but there’s no fucking way you’re getting me to go watch a game of rugby league.”

Tonight’s match is expected to attract in excess of 85,000 spectators. Out of this figure, around 500 spectators are likely to be unenthusiastic Melbourne elites watching from corporate boxes, making snide remarks about the low-brow nature of rugby league.

“Honestly, I would much rather go home, flick on AFL 360 and listen to Gerard Whateley and Mark ‘Robbo’ Robinson discuss the big ins and outs for this weekend’s fixtures,” Robertson told TPA.

“Anyway, hopefully it’s a blow-out and I can leave by the third quarter.”

By staff writers

James Tamou’s Hair is Indicative of NSW’s Malaise

Nothing more embodies NSW’s Origin predicament than James Tamou’s hair.

Down one-nil in the series, the Blues have appeared sloppy, misguided and loose – exactly like their prop enforcer’s current coiffure.

Sure, his hair arrangement is on trend and looks fashionable at face value, but it lacks cohesion entirely.

His locks on top have a raison d’ětre that says ‘we are free, we are flowing, we will go where the wind blows’, and then bang – as his head slopes away you marvel at something akin to a tightly run military operation. Where is the pattern? Where is the symmetry?

How can we expect Hodkinson to marshal forwards and backs when Tamou’s hair suggests they just don’t work at all?

How can the right and left side of NSW’s defence expect to cooperate if Tamou can’t even demand cooperation from his strands?

NSW will never be able to run effective second-man plays so long as Tamou is permitted to retain that hair. It’s too free, it’s too experimental, it’s not on strategy.

James Tamou now looks like a cartoon character. An ineffectual one. At best, he resembles Scar – the bad uncle from the Lion King. At worst, he is Prince Valiant – a wussy dandy with a bowl cut.

Neither comparisons are complimentary. While Scar was a moderately scary figure for a 7 year old, he was ultimately a study in sour grapes and inefficacy. Valiant on the the other hand, was a fop whose tediously long and boring tales wasted precious real estate in the newspaper comics section.

Last year when the Blues were winning, Tamou was a picture in efficiency. His head was shorn of frippery (and hair). It was tight, disciplined and focused.

The old Tamou hairstyle was no nonsense, imposing and determined. One look at his melon and you knew James Tamou wanted one of two things: to win origin, or steal your wallet. Then he grew a beard that was more Tasmanian old growth forest than hipster, but was nonetheless intimidating.

But the frequent changes have hurt Tamou and they have hurt NSW. It’s little wonder NSW can’t settle on a consistent halves pairing when Tamou can’t keep the same look for more than three months.

If Queensland were a haircut, it would be a symmetrically arranged, elegant short back and sides. The ideal combination of sausage and sizzle. In other words, it would be Cameron Smith. A classic. It never goes out of style.

You know why Queensland have been so successful? They haven’t changed a winning formula.

In contrast, NSW are defined by their propensity to chop and change. Always looking for the next best thing. The short-cut. The big superstar. The middle-parted undercut.

We are talking about truly micro inefficiencies with a macro impact.

By Sam Perry and Ben Shine

TPA Pays Respects After Retirement of Rugby League Great

He was one of the fiercest competitors the game has ever known.

A hard tackling and ruthless player who made a career out of tasking risks, which more often than not, paid off handsomely.

In his prime he was all-powerful and almost all-conquering. Like a fox, he was equal parts cunning and intimidating.

At times he could rightfully be accused of thinking he was biggest than the game – but to be honest, he probably was.

Indeed, he almost blew up the code entirely through sheer selfishness, but ultimately his disruptive antics gave rugby league the shake-up it deserved.

He was a mongrel and a scoundrel, but he will be missed.

Happy retirement, Keith Rupert Murdoch.

By staff writers