TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Two – The Major Parties

In this week’s half-baked coverage of the upcoming federal election, TPA’s Alasdair McClintock loosely analyses the pros and cons of the three major parties, coming to the inevitable conclusion that there are no pros and, um, they’re all cons.


The Major Parties

The Vengaboys like to party. It’s true. They told us. But do they like the major parties? I doubt it. These are not the parties the Vengaboys are used to. Shovelling cocaine down their noses at Ibiza, I don’t imagine the grey suits in Canberra cross their minds at all. If they do, these connoisseurs of cheesy electro-pop must be on some mind-bending stuff.

And I suspect they wouldn’t be the only ones. Some pretty weird shit has been going on since last week, when I rolled up my sleeves and got elbow deep in the filthy and primal motivations of the men who might lead this country. (I still can’t wash the stench off my hands).

The campaign is heating up. Mud is being flung. Candidates are already falling to the wayside and this street fight hasn’t even really started yet. Can someone please fill up the ice trays and stock up on Betadine? Because things are about to get rough.

What has been evident throughout is that all three parties are prepared to fight dirty – yes, I’m including the Greens as a ‘major party’ – and all seem far more adept at being ‘the opposition’ than actually leading the country. In Australian politics, if the other guys suggest something, it is de rigueur to immediately come out and announce it is a shit idea, and that they clearly have no idea what they’re doing – they may as well be sacrificing goats to some pulsating and phallic false idol, for all the bloody good they’re doing!

A curious object to find in the Prime Minister's office.
A curious object to find in the Prime Minister’s office.

But this simply cannot always be the case. These are educated people. Socially retarded fools in their own way, certainly, but occasionally they’re going to get things right. It would be refreshing for someone get up and say, “You know what? That’s actually a pretty good idea. We didn’t think of it, but we sure as hell might implement it should we get into power.”

Now that would be a head turner! I would vote for that Party, without hesitation, because it says to me that they actually want to lead this country forward, rather than just be the cool guys in whatever dowdy Canberra bars politicians frequent (can you imagine how fucking pompous those places must be?).

It’s not going to happen, though. I don’t know why it’s not going to happen, but it’s just not. The three major parties hate each other at a level that perhaps only Solange and Jay Z could understand. I can easily imagine Shorten going apeshit ballistic in an elevator. In fact, I desperately want to see that. I don’t even care who he attacks. It would be brilliant.

Shorten awaits his next victim.
Shorten awaits his next victim.

But why do they hate each other so much? I have friends with differing political views to myself, yet we can still enjoy a sesh at the local bar without resorting to name calling and underhanded swipes. Most of the time, at least.

My understanding of the major parties, in very simple terms, is: the Libs love big business and believe it stimulates the economy, we all get jobs, we can build stuff and everyone’s happy; Labor believe that an educated, healthy and well looked after society will naturally thrive; and the Greens believe if we continue to destroy the planet at such an incredible rate, it doesn’t matter what else we do, we’re all fucked.

These are all fair theories. The logical thing would be to work with all three and see what we can come up with. Instead we have some sort of distorted cage fight where, in lieu of throwing punches, pale skinned and overfed reprobates hurl carefully worded, condescending insults at each other.

I’m not sure any of them are fit to run a medium-sized business, much less an entire country. Take the Liberal Party’s Peter Dutton for example. What kind of psychotic retard thinks those comments are going to fly in contemporary society? What he said was bad enough, but the stupidity he displayed by actually saying them is unforgivable. If he was working for a large private company in the public eye, he’s lost his job by now, but in government these lunatics get a free pass.*

He’s right, you know.

Is it too much to ask that they all get along? I suppose it is … Can we vote for the Vengaboys?

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP1983

Read Week One – The Leaders here

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