Finally, after seven weeks of tawdry sexual imagery and poorly formed sporting parallels, TPA’s Alasdair McClintock puts this madness to rest.
The Night Before Shitmas
After several torrid months we now find ourselves here, on the eve of the election. Thank heavens. I don’t think it’s just me, but I have felt a real disconnection from this election and I’ve been tasked with analysing* the fucking thing.
Tomorrow, after I cast my vote, I will just be relieved I don’t have to pretend I’m on the phone when passing people handing out propaganda on the street anymore. I’ll still have to do it for charity workers, but you can’t have it all.
Strangely, I still don’t know who I will be voting for. The urge to draw a dick and balls on the ballot paper is strong this year. Real strong. But, as my father pointed out, the only person to see that dick and balls will likely be some lovely old lady volunteering her time to count the votes and she doesn’t need to be confronted with such a grotesque depiction of the male genitalia while doing her bit for the free world, does she?
Maybe she does … Maybe it will give her a thrill.
But horny old grandmothers aside, all signs point to this being a very close election. There is a very good chance we will have a new Government come Sunday and Bill Shorten will be our new Prime Minister – despite the fact he is well behind on pretty much every poll you care to dig up. I still haven’t decided whether this would be a good thing or not.
I disagree strongly with a lot of the Liberal Party’s policies, but I can’t say I’m too down with Labor’s either. Vote Independent or Green! I hear you holler. Well, I just can’t shake the feeling that would largely be pointless, given the electorate I’m in. I guarantee you they’re not getting in around here.
The highlight for me and many others will be the sausage sizzle and with the candidates being so similar the biggest decision a lot of us will have to make is whether to have tomato sauce or not. It is a tough one, to be sure, but I’m going to back ‘Yes’ in for the majority on that one. Although, personally, I will be voting for mustard.
As for The Big One, I’m going to go with Burt the psychic crocodile and back Malcolm and the gang to sneak it in, on the back of Bill Shorten’s staggering lack of charisma. Dick and balls might run a close third, with the Greens not too far behind.
I’m just pleased that after seven weeks we can finally put this monstrosity to rest. It has dug its own grave, said its prayers and as it kneels before the shallow hole, shotgun to its head, I’m not sure I’m even willing to afford it any final words.
I know what they’re going to be anyway … “Jobs and economy.”
By Alasdair McClintock
* I use the word very loosely.