TPA’s Rushed AFL Grand Final Primer!

It’s here! The AFL grand final! And I nearly forgot to write about it! Shit!

If you were hanging out for the annual TPA Grand Final Primer – I apologise for keeping you waiting. That said, this won’t be worth the wait – because I am frantically penning this in between meetings, with little-to-no idea what I am actually typing.

But here goes nothing.

The 2014 Grand Final will be fucking epic. It actually marks the first real chance for NSW to definitively stamp itself as the premier sporting state.

You see, the Waratahs won the Super 15 final this year. A Sydney team is assured of the NRL premiership. NSW finally beat Queensland in the State of Origin this year. A New South Welshman is the captain of our national cricket team – and our best batsman by far. Shit, even the Western Sydney Wanderers made the A-League grand final, just two years into their existence.

As TPA’s Ben Shine said to me yesterday, if the Swans win tomorrow, we can now give up sport. “It’s over. We did it all. Sport is over,” he added.

'Sport is over'
‘Sport is over’

Of course, sport will not be over. It will never be over. Especially now that Lance ‘Buddy Franklin has captured the imagination of all Sydney-siders.

Here are four key players to watch out for this Saturday:

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LANCE FRANKLIN

Whatever happens tomorrow, Buddy will emerge either as hero or villain.

Buddy Franklin is everything that we love about sport – and then some. He is an identifiable figurehead that we can lavish praise upon, or heap scorn upon, in equal measure, depending on the day.

While we at TPA like to talk about the light and shade in sport, it really is a black and white thing. Winners and losers. Heroes and villains. Cunts and good blokes.

So keep an eye on Buddy tomorrow. Everything he does will be a story-line in himself. He is the best thing for sport since sport itself.

JARYD ROUGHEAD

Roughie is looming as a real party-pooper for the Swans. He’s big, white, thick-bodied, and is good at kicking goals – the key attributes for AFL success.

I haven’t really followed his stats this season – and I only have 5 mins to write this, so I won’t start now – but I feel like he might be running into some solid form. And that we’ll need a strong defender to “take care” of him. But who will that be?

Tongue out, Jordan-style.
Tongue out, Jordan-style.

TED RICHARDS

I believe ‘Teddy’ will get the job on ‘Roughie’. Ted Richards has the oiliest shoulders in modern AFL, which will serve him well against the big Hawthorn forward.

I’ve always enjoyed Ted Richards ever since I discovered he wrote a semi-regular blog for the Swans, entitled ‘The Richards Report’. He seems self-deprecating and never seems to get angry on the field – two traits that I admire in a sportsman.

I am hoping that Richards will negate Roughead – if he keeps him to less than 2 goals, the Swans will go a long way towards another premiership.

CYRIL RIOLI

The Hawthorn brains trust are taking a massive risk in playing Rioli, who was less-than inspiring in his comeback match in the VFL last week.

Rioli suffers, I’d argue, from the perception that he is something of a creative genius with the ball in hand. Of course, many indigenous players are seen solely in this light – a perception that, in my view can appear mildly racist. As if they’re less inclined towards ‘hard work’ and simply reliant on spontaneous moments of brilliance whenever the mood strikes them.

'Magical'
‘Magical’

I feel that Rioli’s perception as ‘enigma’ has secured him a place in the grand final. And I’m not even sure he deserves to be simply considered an enigma. Clearly he is an excellent footballer who puts in just as much effort as anyone else. But just one that is a bit underdone, and shouldn’t be playing on Saturday.

Is this white man’s guilt – selecting the ‘enigmatic, magical’ Rioli in the grand final? And will it come back to bite Hawthorn, once he burns out after 8 minutes in the first quarter?

I kind of hope so.

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So there it is, your TPA Grand Final Primer. Sorry it was so shit, but I hope it’s enough to keep you coming back to this website. We’ll get something better up for the NRL Grand Final, I promise.

Swans by 37. It won’t even be close.

By Dave Edwards

 

NRL, AFL Footy Show ‘Equally Terrible’: Study

A new study has revealed that the NRL and AFL Footy Show are in fact equally terrible.

The study, which was conducted by international data scientists to avoid any subjective bias, found that both shows are, well, pretty fucking awful, and all of those involved in the production process should really re-consider what they’re doing with their lives.

For years, the debate has waged over which of the programs is the superior offering.

For example, Victorian viewers generally claim the AFL Footy Show (broadcast in Melbourne) to be a more cerebral program, with the NSW version too heavily reliant on childish humour and ‘gay jokes’, as opposed to in-depth football analysis.

However, this latest study, which ranked the shows based on a range of criteria, including humour, crossover appeal, and general ‘watchability’, found that, actually, they’re both pretty fucking rancid.

“We were shocked in a thriving developed nation like Australia, such programs are even on-air in 2014,” study leader Hans Weismann told The Public Apology.

Weismann was later informed by The Public Apology that offensive, boorish, hyper-masculine behaviour is actually celebrated in Australia, with 90% of jokes generally containing some form of racial or misogynistic bent.

“Oh, that makes sense now,” he responded.

By staff writers

SCG Bar Queue Conversation Blossoms Into Unlikely Friendship

A forced conversation between two strangers queuing up for beers at a sporting fixture looks like blossoming into a genuine friendship, The Public Apology can report.

The conversation, which took place between two men in the SCG Members Bar, started off well enough with a couple of obligatory comments about the game.

As the line progressed, the two men, both in their 30s, suddenly found themselves chatting about recent renovations to the Bradman Stand (both agreeing this was a “good thing”) before touching on the SCG Trust’s proposed membership price hike (a “bad thing”).

“It’s common courtesy to strike up a generic, superficial chat with the bloke next to you in line for a beer – say g’day, mention the score, get your beer and fuck off, you know, that kind of thing – but these guys really had something,” one onlooker told TPA.

Upon collecting their beers, the two fellows walked over to a table and drank together while watching the game.

As they chatted, it emerged that, incredibly, they both work in financial services, which gave way to a lengthy – but good-natured – bout of one-upmanship.

Later, in an incredible twist of fate, it turned out that the two men’s wives actually go to Pilates together! Both were seen shaking their heads in amusement at this amazing coincidence, which surely never happens in a city like Sydney.

The men later exchanged phone numbers so that they can hopefully attend future games together, according to onlookers.

By staff writers