Chanderpaul outshines Jeter, notches up millionth ‘leave’

Chanderpaul, playing a rare stroke

West Indies veteran Shivnarine Chanderpaul has shouldered arms to a delivery for the one millionth time in a test match.

The incredible feat comes just one day after New York Yankees slugger Derek Jeter registered his 3,000th ‘hit’ some 16 years after making his MLB debut.

Chanderpaul’s historic moment came in the 43rd over of the third test against India this week, when the left-hander ignored an innocuous outswinger by Indian paceman Zaheer Khan. The eager Barbados crowd immediately flooded the field to congratulate the bemused batsman, who himself was not even aware of the occasion.

“Its just testament to my longevity in the game, I guess, but never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined as a kid that I’d go down as the greatest leaver in the game,” he said.

“I guess it just comes down to knowing where your off-stump is and thinking ‘shit, that’s probably not worth playing at’. People definitely underestimate the mental side of leaving the ball alone.”

Accepting a specially-made award at the conclusion of the third day of the test against India at Barbados, Chanderpaul said he hoped his achievement wouldn’t take any of the publicity away from Jeter’s feat.

” Three thousand hits, geez that’s something. I bet he remembers every mishit, ‘Baltimore chop’, ‘Texas leaver’ and bunt.”

Jeter, bunts counted for some 1.5 million 'hits'

When asked to name his best ‘leave’, Chanderpaul said it was almost impossible, but there was one that “probably stands out against the rest.”

“I did a really nice leave against Australia at the WACA in 1999. It was a hard deck and [Glenn] McGrath was generating some steeping bounce. I just shuffled back and across and raised my arms well above my head; the ball managed a bit of late swing through to the keeper. It really set the tone, albeit a boring one, for my innings.”

“I watched it a few times at home on video [since then] and it looked really nice.”

Meanwhile, Lakers legend Kobe Bryant will be hoping the current lockout comes to a close soon. The shooting guard is only seven bounces away from recording 10 million bounces of the basketball in official NBA fixtures.

By Dave Edwards 

Rod Marsh to stamp out ‘metrosexual’ team culture

Marsh, set to bring some much needed testosterone

ThePublicApology’s calls for a new chairman of selectors may have been answered, with reports that Cricket Australia is seeking Rod Marsh to replace Andrew Hilditch in the top job.

ThePublicApology can report that CA believes the team is suffering from a lack of genuine facial hair and is seeking to appoint one of its most recognisable stalwarts, Marsh, to mould the aesthetics of a new generation of cricketers. The 1970’s icon has just finished a six-year role as director of coaching at the elite ICC Global Cricket Academy in Dubai and is reportedly keen to explore other options.

Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland told ThePublicApology that following poor performances in recent years, the Australian cricket team was in need of some “old-school leadership from a bloke with a caterpillar on his lip.”

“You just look back to the days of Lillee, Chappell, Marsh – even Border in his pre-Fox Sports years; these guys all had great facial hair going on and it translated to on-field success,” Sutherland said.

“We’re looking to bring classic mustaches, beards, side-burns and goatees back into the fold to get back some of that unadulterated testosterone. We will also be stamping out designer facial hair and unnecessary earrings.”

Marsh will be tasked with ridding the game of “pretty boys” and “metrosexuals” and forging a new era of body-hair, beer drinking and singlet-tans.

Boon, getting on the grapes after running out of beer

The wicketkeeping legend told ThePublicApology that he was disappointed with the way the game had “gone down the plug-hole” in recent years. He blamed the rise of sleeve-tattoos, model girlfriends and low-carb beers for Australia’s sudden form slump.

“Back in my day you drank carb-heavy beers and you married your childhood sweetheart because it was the right thing to do,” he said. “You didn’t see many tattoos either; if you did, it was in the showers after the game, where you might be pleasantly surprised to see your mild-mannered off-spinner had an anchor tattoo or the Southern Cross on his arse.”

“These poofters are all using waxy haircare products and adding blond tips to their hair… I wouldn’t be surprised if they blow-dry their hair during the change of innings,” he continued.

But Marsh reserved his greatest spray for test captain Michael Clarke. “This pretty boy is the worst of the lot and I think we’d need to drop him entirely. There’s no way that this prepubescent man-boy could grow a mustache, certainly not one becoming of an Australian test captain.”

Clarke, incapable of growing a mustache

“He can take his Aston Martin-driving, zero carb vodka and soda-drinking arse back to the IPL [Indian Premier League] for all I care. We’ve got business to take care of here, and that’s winning the fucking Ashes!”

In a veiled reference to former captain Ricky Ponting, Marsh pledged to tear up any third party agreements with hair regrowth companies, adding that “we’ll fucking go bald gracefully, thank you very much.”

Meanwhile, beleaguered current chairman Andrew Hilditch has so far refused to vacate his spot, although he does come off contract this year. Reports have been circulating that the South Australian lawyer has been growing out a beard in an attempt to get back some credibility.

By Dave Edwards 

‘Half your age plus 7’: Hilditch’s selection formula

Katich, not young enough

Australian selector Andrew Hilditch has used a controversial equation – one that men often use in justifying relationships with much younger women – in selecting the 25 man Cricket Australia contract list.

ThePublicApology understands that Hilditch’s criteria for selection involved dividing his own age by two, then adding seven years. Any half-decent player who was found to be on or under that magic number was automatically handed a Cricket Australia contract.

“You know how it is – that’s the magic equation,” the 54-year-old Hilditch told reporters, suddenly taking on a sleazy disposition.

Hilditch left yesterday’s press conference flanked by 18-year-old Patrick Cummings and 21-year-old James Pattinson. According to sources, recent CA contract winners – including Hilditch – were seen at North Sydney’s Greenwood Hotel last night, celebrating Cummings’ belated 18th birthday. Not one contracted player over the age of 34 was in attendance.

Most notably, the controversial selection formula resulted in the sacking of arguably Australia’s most consistent batsman over the past three years, Simon Katich. Despite an average of nearly 50 during a period of unprecedented turbulence and high player turnover, the 35-year-old left-hander failed to make Cricket Australia’s new contract list of 25 players.

An angry Katich hit out at the CA board this morning, describing chairman of selectors Andrew Hilditch as a “vacuous” and having an “insatiable lust for youth.”

“This youth policy is bordering on predatory… [and] I don’t understand why we need to go for such young kids in preference of seasoned veterans who have been there and done that,” Katich said.

“I know that, in certain times, bosses and chairmen of all professions – perhaps with the exception of the Vatican – must consider youth in terms of appointments. I also get that in the US, workers in their 50s who suffered GFC-forced redundancies are struggling to find jobs due to management-level preference for younger, more malleable employees.”

“But this is fucking outrageous, I’m only 35 and averaged 47 with the bat last calendar year!”

CA's controversial selection criteria

Katich was not the only veteran sacked; Andrew McDonald, James Hopes, Marcus North, Shaun Tait and Adam Voges all made way for a string of younger, arguably more attractive cricketers. Xavier Doherty, Usman Khawaja, James Pattison earned their first CA contracts, as did 18-year-old NSW fast bowler Patrick Cummings.

“Hilditch has it in for the young’uns,” fumed Katich in an exclusive interview with ThePublicApology.

“It’s like the husband who dumps his faithful wife in search of a cheap fling with the saucy, STD-laden office secretary. It’s not a long-term solution; it’s reckless and disrespectful.”

“But unlike Jackie Onassis, I’m not going to stay silent for the good of my country. I’m pissed off.”

Katich told ThePublicApology that he was going to spend the next six months “finding himself” and “focusing on myself, for once.”

“But tonight I’m just going to go out with the girls, drink a few margaritas and talk about what a jerk the guy is,” Katich said.

“I just want to feel young again.”

Andrew Hilditch did not respond to ThePublicApology’s request for an exclusive interview.

By Dave Edwards