Silent Male Majority Remains Miffed by Pink Day

A strong cohort of SCG members – mostly of the Baby Boomer generation – are silently opposed to Pink Day, despite its positive connotations, The Public Apology can confirm.

Day Three of the annual Sydney Test is unofficially known as ‘Pink Day’, with proceeds going towards breast cancer awareness. Attendees are encouraged to don flamboyant pink-coloured attire in support of what is universally acknowledged as a good cause.

Milton Bradfield (not his real name), 67, and a third-generation SCG member, said he feels unfairly pressured into wearing pink coloured clothing to the cricket.

“I pay $3,000 for my membership fees and I want to attend all five days in the clothes of my own choice: pleated slacks with a generic polo. I really resent having to don a grotesquely oversized hot pink cowboy hat simply to reflect my support for what is admittedly a noble cause,” he said.

For others, Pink Day is a source of anxiety. Harold Baker, 79, admitted that he was forced to borrow his wife Martha’s scarf for the occasion.

“I was at a complete loss for what to wear today. We didn’t dress like this in the ’50s,” the war veteran said.

"All up it's a great day to get belted off mid-strength beer, raise money for breast cancer research, and smash some gender stereotypes while we're at it"
“All up it’s a great day to raise money for breast cancer research, smash some gender stereotypes, and get belted off mid-strength beer”

The Public Apology understands that this silent majority will keep their mouths shut and begrudgingly support Pink Day, in fear of being publicly called out by muscled, upwardly-mobile douchebags in the 24-35 age category – who have enthusiastically taken to the event.

Jaryd Smith, 23, from Coogee, said that Pink Day allowed him and his mates to dress up like cross-dressing construction workers without having their sexuality questioned.

“Unless there is a kitschy theme associated with a cause, I find it really it difficult to get behind,” he said.

The Public Apology understands that Smith is also planning to grow an unsightly moustache later this November, despite his staunch, well-documented personal belief that people suffering from depression should just “harden the fuck up.”

By staff writers

Is Mitchell Johnson Less Scary this Summer, or are the Indians Simply Braver than the English?

The biggest thing to happen in cricket last summer was the second coming of Mitchell Johnson.

As we all know, after several years in the wilderness, Mitch bounced back into the Australian Test side, and, using a potent mix of intimidation, aggression and moustache, proceeded to eat batsmen for breakfast (and lunch and tea).

Such was the heightened level of fear experienced by English batsmen, that many facing Johnson were reported to have had “scared eyes” throughout the ordeal.*

Joe Root was petrified

The effect of this terror was devastating, brutal and effective. Mitch took the scalps of 37 frightened Englishmen, and was named Man of the Series in the 5-0 Ashes whitewash.

Fast forward twelve months and Australia has welcomed India for the summer. Mitchell Johnson has been good (he’s taken 13 wickets), but nowhere near the level of shockingly efficacious violence we witnessed during the Ashes.

There are a number of explanations for this marked turn-around. Obviously, Mitchell Johnson has lost the “surprise factor” – while England didn’t know that the oft-lampooned character of Mitch had been reborn as Gen Y’s Dennis Lillee, India would have studied the tapes and prepared accordingly.

Equally, the pitches so far have been conducive to batting, which certainly doesn’t help someone trying to regularly bounce batsmen.

In this same vein, the Phil Hughes tragedy may have weakened the nation’s appetite for primitive violence, and this has perhaps been reflected by a seemingly gentler approach from our fast bowlers. But I’ve seen Mitch bowl his fair share of the short stuff, so this theory hold less water than my brain after New Year’s Eve.

Shoes still on = good night
Shoes still on = good night

Of course, Mitch could have also lost a bit of form, but I don’t think that’s the case.

More likely, the change in Johnson’s efficacy is due the inherent social and cultural differences between his opponents. Simply put, the English were soft, while the Indians are brave.

While some may consider this argument trite and superficially racist**, it deserves attention.

Take Virat Kohli for example. He has been a thorn in the side of the Aussies all series: plundering runs and returning verbal barbs with equal venom. He has played aggressively and successfully and has won plenty of fans down under.

I don’t recall any Englishmen playing with anywhere near the bolshy attitude or effectiveness of Kohli. I recall petty bickering between teammates, trepidation and moaning – but certainly nobody was brave enough to blow kisses at a man pelting rocks at your head at 150 clicks.

It hasn’t been only Kohli. He has led from the front, but others have followed his lead. As a result, we are witnessing a less devastating Mitchell Johnson and a more competitive series.

Is Kohli and India’s bravery the best way to nullify Johnson and counter Australia – and something England were incapable of? Or is there some other, arguably less racist, explanation?

By Ben Shine

*Different to “dead eyes”, which denote the absence of a soul, and are arguably far worse.

**Nationalistic “banter” between different countries is permitted when there are strong ties built on a history of colonialism. It is even more acceptable when dished out by the subservient nation, in this case the two English colonies: (formerly) India and (currently) Australia.

Losing a Leader in Office: Will Clarke be a JFK or a Harold Holt?

Australia looks set to lose one of its most treasured leaders, with Test Captain Michael Clarke confirming he may have played his last cricket.

This is a tragedy.

Not only is Clarke scoring centuries and providing inspirational leadership during an emotionally-difficult period, but tragically, he should have had plenty of good years ahead of him.

Australia has lost leaders before, whether through retirement, poor form and misadventure – but losing one in their prime is difficult to swallow.

In the 60s we lost a Prime Minister when Harold Holt vanished while swimming at Portsea. His disappearance is now viewed as a bemusing historical oddity, rather than with anguish.

Harry was blissfully unaware his three companions were, in fact, Japanese spies.
Harry was blissfully unaware his three companions were, in fact, Japanese spies.

In stark contrast, losing Clarke will be a national tragedy akin to the JFK assassination.

Both Clarke and JFK represent two popular public figures taken when before their time was up.

JFK, the popular American President with Hollywood looks and Shane Warne-levels of interest in carnal pursuits, was felled by the mafia a lone gunman, as he embarked on an ambitious agenda of social and economic reform.

Similarly, Clarke has been felled by chronic back and hamstring injuries, as he embarked on an ambitious campaign to win the ODI World Cup and retain the Ashes in England in 2015.

Like the Democratic President, Clarke’s achievements will be glorified in years to come. He will become an icon. Just as JFK helped land a man on the moon, Clarke’s 5-0 triumph over England 5-0 on home soil will be etched into the national psyche.

Years from now, schoolchildren will learn about the feats of Clarke's troops
Years from now, schoolchildren will learn about the feats of Clarke’s troops

Clarke’s failures will also be remembered. In his early days as leader, he narrowly avoided full-scale nuclear war with sworn enemy Simon Katich*. Kennedy similarly came close to all-out war with the Russians after a botched attempt to invade Cuba.

These high-profile errors will not be remembered with judgement, but instead with misty eyed nostalgia for a simpler time. Instead, Clarke’s time as leader will be viewed as a period of great success, cut short by the mysterious cruelties of life.

If Clarke does, as feared, retire, there will be a national outpouring of grief. And in this volatile climate, who will take the reigns in Pup’s absence? Will we get an a politically savvy, hard-nosed LBJ who leads us into an unwinnable war, or an friendly John Gorton whose love for the bottle surpasses his desire to lead?

Whatever the case, Australia has a rocky road ahead.

Pretty damn rocky, if the 70s are anything to go by
Pretty damn rocky, if the 70s are anything to go by
By Ben Shine
*An act for which he will never be forgiven.