The Australian Cricket Team is Behaving Like ISIS

Before I launch into a scathing criticism of the Australian cricket team, I must disclose that I have not seen one ball bowled in the current Pakistan series.

However, from what I can deduce, we are now limping to our first series defeat in 20 years versus a country that is:

  • a) Playing a ‘home series’ in a different country due to an ongoing unpredictable security situation
  • b) Still reeling from various scandals, including a spot-fixing controversy that saw a handful of their best players sent to jail

Given the current geopolitical climate, the Australians went to the Middle East to do battle with the Pakistan they thought they knew: a team of hot-headed extremists.

In reality, this could not be further from the truth.

They're actually really good
They’re actually really good

Despite the Middle East being seen as a scary place rife with extremism, the Pakistan team – led by in-form batsman Younis Khan – has surprised the Australians by compiling calm, measured knocks backed up by sustained pressure in the field, all delivered with a winning smile.

The Australians came prepared for extremist activity, but ultimately we are the ones displaying such reckless intent. Our batsmen are nothing more than suicide bombers, throwing their wickets away with reckless, ill-advised shots. Looking for quick runs in order to steal a headline; to win a few hearts and minds, but nothing else.

We are led to believe that our bowlers are toiling hard, but with little success. But there’s just no strategy in place; no dedication, or commitment, to the cause.

They have been met by an enemy who is resilient and has a long-term game plan. Pakistan has adopted an attrition warfare strategy: breaking down the opposition “to the point of collapse through continuous loss of personnel and materials.”

In response, Australia has adopted a blitzkrieg response, just as the Germans did in WWII. This strategy has proved flawed. Using concentrated force and speed to break through enemy lines has proved a fruitless tactic against a cohesive, united unit in the form of Pakistan.

We don't need tanks for this
We don’t need tanks for this


For too long, Australia has relied on Mitchell Johnson’s firebombs to fight against the opposing forces of Islamic extremism test-quality batsmen. But Pakistan are a much greater enemy than were given credit. A quick-fire 37 off 28 by Glenn Maxwell (batting at 3) is no way to win a war.

Australia has been found severely lacking. We underestimated our opposition, quite possibly due to recent negative media coverage on embattled nation states such as Iraq, Syria, Pakistan, Afghanistan, etc.

Australia came to the Middle East expecting unpredictable guerrilla violence, but instead were greeted with an army marked by unified leadership, democratic centralism, unity, loyalty and – above all else – discipline.*

We came looking to degrade and destroy our enemy, but maybe we should just work on batting for a whole session and bowling dot balls in order to build pressure.

By Dave Edwards

* Just to be clear, I’m talking about cricket here.


Marsh Fucks Baggy Green

Test debutant Mitchell Marsh may have joked about kicking his “glamour girlfriend” out of bed in favour of his baggy green.

However, The Public Apology can reveal that things escalated later that night once the lights went out – and passion took over.

“I wasn’t expecting things to move past the platonic stage, but the felt texture and green hue really turned me on,” he said.

“As I lay in bed with it, I was transfixed and intrigued by by the baggy green. It’s fine craftsmanship, its delicate hem and exquisitely embroidered crest really got my engine going.

“Soon I could bear it no more,” Marsh continued. “I gave in to my lustful desires and grabbed the cap passionately with both hands.

“It was our first time, so we had wanted to take it slowly, but it didn’t take long for things to really ramp up a notch.

“The next few hours were a haze of ecstatic lovemaking, ranging from gentle canoodling to some really dangerous territory involving obscure role play.

“Somewhere around dawn we fell asleep in a deep embrace. Two lovers had become one,” he wistfully concluded.

However, some activist groups are up in arms, claiming that Marsh’s act was non-consensual.

The baggy green was contacted for comment but did not return our phone calls, on virtue of being an inanimate object.

By staff writers.

Lou Vincent Sets New Standard In Public Apologies

It is a sad fact of life that professional athletes, like politicians, typically speak in banal clichés. Except, that is, when they have retired or have fucked up so badly they need to make a public apology, in which case they can be candid, honest and downright entertaining.

New Zealand Cricketer Lou Vincent has effectively done both (fucked up and retired) by today issuing a statement in which he admitted fixing matches during his career. As per the aforementioned convention, the statement was blunt, forceful and engaging.

It kicked-off with the classic opener: stating one’s name and purpose, as leanly as possibly. “My name is Lou Vincent and I am a cheat”, a simple, yet powerful phrase borrowed from luminaries such as former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd (“I’m Kevin and I am here to help”), Ronald Reagan (“I’m from the Government and I am here to help”) and Herman Melville’s Moby Dick (“Call Me Ishmael”).

But unlike Herman Melville, the words that followed this classic opening statement did not involve a fanatic sea captain hunting a specific cetacean nemesis.

Instead, Lou Vincent’s mea culpa involved admitting to accepting large sums of cash through fixing outcomes in cricket games.

He continued, “I have shamed my country. I have shamed my sport. I have shamed those close to me. For that I am not proud”. This covers off a lot of bases. It’s generally the shock-jocks and social commentators who reach for the hyperbole when describing scandalized players, but Lou has beaten them to it.

Not only does he admit bringing shame on himself and his loved ones, but he is claiming to have shamed a centuries-old international sport and the 4.3 million people in New Zealand (not an easy feat).

Wardrobe malfunction?
Wardrobe malfunction?

In a departure from most public apologies, Vincent uniquely chose to blame himself.

“It is entirely my fault that I will never be able to stand in front of a game again. It is entirely my fault that I will not be able to apply my skills in a positive way to help future cricketers.”

He also rejected the opportunity to blame any underlying mental health condition.

“I do suffer from depression but it is absolutely no reason or excuse for all that I have done wrong”

Although taking bribes and fixing matches is a terrible thing to do, one has to admire Lou Vincent for sticking his hand up and taking full responsibility for his actions.

In terms of public apologies, I give this one 4.5 out of 5 stars.

By Ben Shine