NBL Targets Nostalgic, Extremely Niche Market With Early 90s-Themed Rebrand

The National Basketball League has unveiled its new-look logo in a bid to re-engage nostalgic hoops fans ahead of the upcoming 2015-16 season.

With its bold font and Clip Art-style ‘basketball’ image, the NBL is hoping to tap adult males between the age of 29 and 32, who can kinda remember the NBL during its heyday, according to an NBL spokesperson.

“These males can vaguely recall players like Dwayne ‘D-Train’ McLain, Dean Uthoff, Leroy Loggins and Lanard Copeland,” he told The Public Apology.

“They can’t actually remember what position these guys played, who they were or what they looked like, but they remember lots of buzz about the NBL back then, so it must have been good.”

This demographic of young, white males have recently re-discovered their love of everything American, be that southern-fried chicken wings, Sierra Nevada, and the NBA playoffs (when LeBron’s playing).

“We’ve done our research and we know these white males have disposable income. We hope this “wing-eating” market – that’s a market research term – will help boost ticket sales by 100% this season,” the spokesperson added.

Wing-eating market set to double NBL ticket sales in 2015-16
Wing-eating demographic to double NBL ticket sales in 2015-16

Adrian Brumby, 30, said that he’s “really excited about this latest rebrand.”

“The block lettering and white/orange colour palate is exactly what I needed to shake me from my 20-year long indifference to domestic basketball,” he told TPA.

“It’s only the 27th time the NBL has rebranded since 1995, but this is the best one yet. I think I’m finally ready to commit to attending one Kings game per season. I’ll go eat dinner in Chinatown before hand and make a night of it.”

“Unless there’s a work thing on,” he added.

When told that Brumby planned on attending one game this season, the NBL spokesperson silently punched the air in jubilation.

“Honestly, you’ve made my week. That’s about the best we could have hoped for,” he said.

By staff writers

Silent Male Majority Remains Miffed by Pink Day

A strong cohort of SCG members – mostly of the Baby Boomer generation – are silently opposed to Pink Day, despite its positive connotations, The Public Apology can confirm.

Day Three of the annual Sydney Test is unofficially known as ‘Pink Day’, with proceeds going towards breast cancer awareness. Attendees are encouraged to don flamboyant pink-coloured attire in support of what is universally acknowledged as a good cause.

Milton Bradfield (not his real name), 67, and a third-generation SCG member, said he feels unfairly pressured into wearing pink coloured clothing to the cricket.

“I pay $3,000 for my membership fees and I want to attend all five days in the clothes of my own choice: pleated slacks with a generic polo. I really resent having to don a grotesquely oversized hot pink cowboy hat simply to reflect my support for what is admittedly a noble cause,” he said.

For others, Pink Day is a source of anxiety. Harold Baker, 79, admitted that he was forced to borrow his wife Martha’s scarf for the occasion.

“I was at a complete loss for what to wear today. We didn’t dress like this in the ’50s,” the war veteran said.

"All up it's a great day to get belted off mid-strength beer, raise money for breast cancer research, and smash some gender stereotypes while we're at it"
“All up it’s a great day to raise money for breast cancer research, smash some gender stereotypes, and get belted off mid-strength beer”

The Public Apology understands that this silent majority will keep their mouths shut and begrudgingly support Pink Day, in fear of being publicly called out by muscled, upwardly-mobile douchebags in the 24-35 age category – who have enthusiastically taken to the event.

Jaryd Smith, 23, from Coogee, said that Pink Day allowed him and his mates to dress up like cross-dressing construction workers without having their sexuality questioned.

“Unless there is a kitschy theme associated with a cause, I find it really it difficult to get behind,” he said.

The Public Apology understands that Smith is also planning to grow an unsightly moustache later this November, despite his staunch, well-documented personal belief that people suffering from depression should just “harden the fuck up.”

By staff writers

Modern Fans Confused As Stadia Revert To Original Non-Branded Names For Asian Cup

Australian sporting consumers are reportedly baffled by FIFA’s insistence that stadia be referred to by their original names during the Asian Cup.

FIFA, an organisation not noted for its aversion to money, prohibits corporate stadium names during marquee international events, such as the World Cup and the Asian Cup.

Many stadiums these days are now built in conjunction with major corporations, which means the placeholder name can often be quite absurd. For example, Melbourne’s AAMI stadium will go by the visually accurate name, Melbourne Rectangular Stadium, throughout the Asian Cup tournament.

Local football fan Greg Townsend said the confusion had already caused him to abandon plans to attend a round match.

“To me, match day experience is all about corporate branding and creature comforts, and I’m sceptical of any stadium that doesn’t align themselves with a multinational company or bank,” he said.

When told the Oman v Australia game would be held at Stadium Australia, John Mavirdos, 34, said “what the fuck is this, the year 2000?”

“Next thing you’ll be telling me that Nikki Webster is doing the anthem, and Australia is good at sport again.”

By staff writers