Ex-jocks now bloated, beer addicted: Report

Sydney’s elite private schools are churning out thousands of bloated, beer reliant ex-jocks, according to a new report.

An Institute of Societal Trends paper, Jocks: Now the Party’s Over, looked at ex-1st XV Sydney private school rugby players from 1995 onwards and found 42%  are technically alcoholic, while 38% are in the ‘seriously teetering on alcoholism’ category.

Of the remaining 10%, half are playing Super 15 rugby and the other half are working in the commerce sector on Sydney’s George Street.

The paper indicated that former jocks struggle when thrust out of their bubble and tend to take consolation in beers at north shore pubs as a way of dealing with their emotions.

“I could bench press 150 kilos in year 12 and I was vice captain of the combined GPS 1st XV,” bragged one ex-jock. “Now I’m bloated and lonely. Sometimes I dream of running out in front of a packed school crowd, schoolmates chanting my name and cheering me on, young girls shrieking with pubescent delight – only to wake up and realise I’m just a junior advertising executive at a reasonably well-known biscuit company.”

“It’s a real reminder that I’m not who I used to be – and it scares me.”

Psychologist Sue Bradfield said these young men are facing hurdles in their 20s that they are seemingly emotionally ill-equipped to deal with.

“All they know is how to drink beer and make crude misogynistic jokes and brag about their sexual exploits, which is all well and good if your self-esteem is high, but a dangerous exercise if it isn’t,” she said.

“With only 5% of ex-jocks likely to play Super 15 Rugby, more and more of them are turning to beers and, even more worryingly, are taking up highly paid positions with investment banks.”

“I used to scull a beer to rapturous applause at 18th birthdays, but now I just get a strange silence upon completing a beverage,” said one former schoolboy footballer. “Women in real life aren’t impressed by a bloaty mid 20s failure, even one who used to light up upper North Shore football fields.”

Pub patrons have been urged to stay away from North Shore hangouts such as The Commodore, The Crows Nest Hotel and ‘Minskys’ in case they come across any former GPS or CAS footballers drinking away their pain.

“The casual pub-goer should remember that ex-jocks are still considered dangerous and should not be approached under any circumstance,” NSW Police Commissioner Andrew Scipione said.

By Dave Edwards 

Let my kids be mediocre: Agassi

The King and Queen of tennis, Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf, are committing acts of “treason” in not forcing their children to play tennis, according to the president of the International Tennis Federation.

Agassi revealed in an interview that he and his wife, German tennis legend Steffi, had no plans to coerce their offspring into picking up a racket, describing the sport as “weird”.

But the ITF’s Francesco Ricci Bitti hit back at Agassi’s comments, calling them “sacrilegious”, and an affront to the game that had given him and his wife so much.

“I think Agassi, great player as he was, is being selfish and inconsiderate by only thinking about himself and his legacy,” Bitti said.

“With such outstanding tennis genes, these children could be fucking awesome, but instead they’ll probably just go down the avenue of mediocrity, in low-paying blue collar jobs that don’t do them justice.”

“This is fucking treason if you ask me,” Bitti continued to no one in particular.

Meanwhile, Agassi’s former coach Brad Gilbert, who convinced the American to pursue Graf back in 1999 after his divorce from actress Brooke Shields, has revealed he only did so in the hope the future couple might produce an insanely talented child, whom Gilbert would then coach and reap rich rewards from.

“I knew Agassi had lucked out with Brooke, she was 6″ tall and gorgeous, but instead of telling him to work things out I thought I’d nudge him towards Steffi,” Gilbert confessed to ThePublicApology.

“I really thought that with Agassi’s court coverage and Steffi’s tenacity and lethal backhand the future child would be a born superstar, and would require little coaching.”

Agassi’s revealed in his autobiography, Open, that he hated tennis and considered quitting several times.

And it seems he doesn’t want his children to suffer the same loneliness that he experienced as a child growing up under a heavyhanded father/coach.

“My dad drilled me as a youngster and I don’t want my kids to have to go through anything like that,” Agassi told reporters.

“If my boy wants to shovel shit for a living, or get grossly underpaid in some low level bureaucratic office job, then that’s his prerogative.”

The Agassi’s two children, Jaden and Jaz, are instead following other pursuits, with Jaden excelling at baseball and Jaz taking a liking to horse riding and hip hop dancing.

Disgruntled tennis fans have flooded online forums to express their displeasure, with Agassi being branded a traitor and a “lazy parent”.

“What an unpatriotic prick,” tweeted @BeckerFan1989.

By Dave Edwards