The Hilarity That Is Superbowl XLVII

My entire NFL knowledge consists of a rather incongruous smattering of phrases and cliches. Touchdown, End-Zone, Third Down, Special Team, etc. I know that the winning coach in the Superbowl gets showered with Gatorade. But that’s about it.

As such, I felt it necessary to pen my immediate, unfiltered thoughts as I take in the pre-match hype-up/first few minutes of Superbowl XLVII.

1. A bunch of children from Sandy Hook – the Connecticut school where that mass shooting took place late last year – is singing America the Beautiful. America sure knows how to jerk the tears out of you.

2. Alicia Keys is singing the Star Spangled Banner in what can only be described as a largamente tempo. Taking a lot of vocal licence, too. I’m a traditionalist and I don’t like it. Give me Julie Anthony any day.

3. Just looking at both teams during the anthem; it seems like there are a lot of black dudes with painted-on hair these days. What’s with that? When did this start being a thing?

4. There’s no need for the referee to explain the coin toss in such depth. It should be self-explanatory by now.

5. Thought we’d be getting some good Superbowl ads during the break. So far it’s an ad for mobile phone recycling firm ‘MobileMuster’, a Guide Dog ad and a promo for One HD’s Burn Notice.

6. Good first down from the 49ers. But wait, there’s a flag for ‘illegal formation’. Whatever the fuck that means. Nice of the referee to explain it to me, though.

7. Ray Lewis has played football competitively for 17 years. He also has had four wives, six kids and escaped a murder charge before becoming a born-again Christian. He’s the narrative this year’s Superbowl is being built around.

8. White guy comes on to punt for the 9ers. He exits the field now, to no applause.

9. There are always lot of people lingering on the sidelines in the NFL. One day someone is going to get seriously crushed.

10. Great throw by Ravens’ quarterback Joe Flacco. I assume his nickname is Skinny, given it’s the direct Spanish translation of flaco.

Finding a decent spot on the sideline to view the game is tough

11. Loving how a flag gets thrown on the field when the sideline ref sees an indiscretion. So antiquated. With all the sports science and technology being pumped into competitive sports these days, can’t they do better than throwing a flag on to the ground? Seems like something more suited to the battlefields of the 1800s.

12. First touchdown for the Ravens. Nice pass by Flacco. The conversion is successful, 7-0 Ravens.

13. Why do these dudes get so fired up over ‘sacking’ a quarterback? The guy isn’t even moving when you tackle him; he’s basically a sitting duck. Sidenote: the Ravens’ player who made the tackle is now doing a frenetic ‘conductor’ style celebration, as if he is leading the Sydney Symphony Orchestra in some exaggeratedly up-tempo Vivaldi piece. Fuck me.

14. Christ, where are the cool Superbowl ads? Now we’ve got a depressing government-funded ad about melanomas. I want to see Snickers ads featuring celebrities.

By Dave Edwards

 

An Impartial Viewer’s Guide to the Super Bowl

I’ve always wondered what it’s like being a chick watching sports.  From a guy’s perspective, a woman’s logic behind cheering for a specific team is absolutely baffling.  More often than not, it has something to do with her misguided fantasies over shacking up with one team’s most important player, or, alternatively, how aesthetically pleasing one teams’ uniforms are.  Or maybe that’s just me being a condescending asshole, who knows?

Living the life...

Saying that, here’s my completely logical thought process as I consider who to cheer for in Super Bowl XLVI  …

  • Which team has wives, girlfriends & groupies?

This is not one of those questions where the answer seems to easy so it can’t possibly be correct.  The right answer is the obvious answer.  Tom Brady is doing what every man in the world dreams of doing.  Brady’s pulled the Gisele Bundchen.  It would not be possible to scientifically create a hotter person. ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

  • Which player has the best nick-name?

The degree of difficulty here has increased a bit. That said, after thorough due diligence, a clear winner emerges. One BenJarvis Green-Ellis – that is not a typo … this man’s first name not only is a combination of both a real name and  a made-up word, but there are also two capitalized letters in said first name – is commonly referred to as The Law Firm.  Why is BenJarvis Green-Ellis graced with such esteem? Compare his name with any business card from a law firm and you will understand. ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, the compensation law specialists
  • Which coach is less of a dickhead?

To be honest this is a push.  Both Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin look like they have a giant stick up their respective asses.  What’s the tie-breaker? Google ‘Bill Belichick Girlfriend’ and the answer will be obvious. Belichick is stealing a play from his quarterback’s playbook on this one.  ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

  • What is the better clam chowder … New England or Manhattan?

If you’ve ever had clam chowder, you know the answer to this question.  ADVANTAGE PATRIOTS

A classic New England breadbowl

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And for the gamblers…

  • What is the result of the first offensive play of the game? A ‘first-down by pass’ is paying 4.5 to 1.
  • Will there be a successful 2 point conversion in the game?  ‘Yes’ is paying 3.75 to 1.
  • Will there be a scoreless quarter?  ‘Yes’ is paying 3.25 to 1.
  • What will be the exact number of 3 point field goals? Both ‘2’ and ‘3’ are paying 3 to 1.
  • How will New England score their first touchdown? A ‘rushing touchdown’ is paying 3.25 to 1. 
By R.J. Karas

Tim Tebow saves the NBA season

Some would think that salvaging a mediocre Denver Broncos team from another season of competing for the NFL’s wooden spoon would be enough for Tim Tebow.  The second-year “quarterback” surely would be happy enough with simply handing his clipboard off to Brady Quinn and stepping into the offensive huddle, right?

No.  If this world has learned anything from Tebow, it is that he is never satisfied.  This is simply not enough for this D-back destroying missionary.  Not only has God’s gift to football resurrected a once-idolised franchise from the depths of sports Hell, but as it turns out, Tim Tebow has also saved the NBA.

If you can't beat them, join them in prayer

Naysayers – or everyone who lives outside of Denver, Colorado and Gainsville, Florida (where Tebow attained God-like status during his college career) – doubt this miraculous occurrence for several reasons.  The most obvious of which are Tebow’s career completion percentage (47.1%), his spastic tendencies for the first 58 minutes of a football game and, likely, the fact that he is still on his ‘V-plates’ as proof that there is no conceivable way this man is capable of such divine works.

If you simply look at Tebow’s play, it is an indisputable fact that he is walking a fine line between minor miracles that are fun to watch from afar – such as Tebow’s ability to make NFL linebackers look like doormats – and heresy – the idea that such a remedial offense can be successful in the NFL.

Used car salesman and head of football operations, John Elway

Saying that, his supporters – or every member of the Republican Party in the United States – would point to Tebow’s TD-to-INT rate (11-1), his win/loss record (5-1) and his general ability to channel unworldly powers to make both Denver coach, John Fox, and Broncos legend/head of football operations, John Elway, both look like complete fools as proof that Tebow is, in fact, blessed with some existential force that allows him to defy the all-knowing Mel Kiper Jr.  Rather than focusing on all of those overthrown passes, his horrid throwing motion and miserable footwork, Tebow-ites see only his end-product.

Meanwhile, “Tebowing” has entered the vernacular and has overtaken “planking” as the latest “dangerous” Facebook fad to elicit outrage from middle-class white parents. According to reports, a Kansas teenager was critically injured when a friend attempted to photograph him Tebowing in front of an oncoming train.

Tebowing

The most obvious case in support of Tebow, however, is not something he has done on the field.  Just as Michaelangelo had his masterpiece in the Sistine Chapel, so too does Tim Tebow.  His ability to bring the NBA lockout to a close is much more than fishes and loafs or water to wine.  Tebow saved us from a winter highlighted by the NHL All-Star game.  Tim Tebow brought back the NBA!

With both NBA players and owners in their respective bunkers, aiming nuclear warheads at their advisories, no more than a week ago, a deal was reached.  The players gave back six percent of total basketball revenue, the owners were willing to compromise on their previous ultimatums and – for all intensive purposes – Gilbert Arenas is still allowed to play mind games on his teammates with loaded handguns.  How was a ‘nuclear winter’, as many were referring to it, averted?  Look no further than the start-date of the NBA’s season, December 25th – a miracle from heaven if ever there was one.

Just as the case with Santa, the Easter Bunny and the 2004 Red Sox, some things are better left unexplained. And ‘Sports Jesus’ undoubtedly deserves the same respect.

By R.J. Karas