TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson…”

Will our politicians continue to ‘make it rain’ or tighten up the drawstrings and cut off all circulation?


Economics, Dear Watson

The very words ‘economic policy’ usually send a shudder through my system and provoke a quick grab for the radio dial. I would sooner listen to notable degenerates, Kyle and Jackie O, and let them fill my ears with vile rumour and trash, than hear another politician outline their approach to addressing the budget deficit. But this week, I swallowed my panic and decided to listen to the respective plans of our would-be leaders.

In doing so, I learned a few things.


I learned that Labor aim to get rid of the deficit over ten years, and Liberal sooner. I learned that neither party believes the other will achieve it. And I also learned the expression ‘fiscal contraction’, which made me giggle.

Did I learn any clear strategies as to how they are going to achieve their goals? No. Would I have hung around to listen had either party actually gone into the details? Most certainly not. Perhaps this is why details are so rare in politics. People want broad brush strokes and easy-to-understand Mr. Squiggle drawings. Details are for fashion designers and contract lawyers.

Notable economist and probable sex-worker, Mr. Squiggle.
Notable economist and probable sex-worker, Mr. Squiggle.

I really don’t believe that either side is so incompetent that it would send this country to rack and ruin. Do you? Do Liberal voters really believe that Labor, under Shorten, would see our economy collapse like Greece? Yes, Kevin Rudd was an overreaching lunatic, but Shorten does seem a little more grounded, albeit far less charismatic.*

The Greeks just beat us in the soccer anyway, so they can’t be going that bad.

And is this budget deficit really so pressing as the media would have us believe? Are we really broke? Are loan sharks coming in hot to break all our legs? I highly doubt it. Chipping away at it over ten years actually seems like a sensible plan to me. Rather than just immediately tightening the draw strings and screaming at the kids “We’re eating fucking Wonder White until we’ve paid off Mummy’s gambling debts!” can’t we just cut back on the truffle oil in our scrambled eggs for a while?

A poor substitute for truffle infused eggs.
A poor substitute for truffle infused eggs.

I asked an economist what he thought and he said “Fuck, how good were the Fine Young Cannibals?” and that “Our current situation is not diabolical, but if the next government doesn’t make a concerted effort to reduce it, it will start becoming a major issue.”

This tells me that a) it’s not such a big deal, though we should probably start getting our shit together, and b) that economists have terrible taste in music. Two things I have always suspected.

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

* I would like to stress that Rudd was merely charismatic for a politician. On the normal person scale, he makes my skin crawl.

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here

TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Three – The Big Issues

Like a raving mad homeless man on a city corner, this week McClintock is screaming about big issues. Although, in truth, he barely discuss them at all.


The Big Issues

As Jeff ‘The Dude’ Lebowski said, “I got issues, man.”

Or was it “a rash”?

Perhaps it was both.

Nevertheless, this country has issues, man!

We’re drowning in refugees, cheap milk, a budget deficit and The Great Barrier Reef is dying before our very eyes. All this while our planet slowly heats up in a desperate attempt to kill us all (can you blame it?). I don’t mean to understate it here, but I think we’re fucked. Thank heaven Bill and Malcolm have all the answers. Don’t they?

I’m not sure …

Trying to get a gauge on the major parties positions on big issues this week has been tricky. Especially as several of their own candidates have shown they don’t even know what they are. Usually this wouldn’t bother me so much – heck, I don’t even know my own position on some of the issues – but what was alarming was that a couple of the heavy-hitters were guilty of this heinous crime.

What do I care if some Liberal schmuck running for office in Shitsville, South Australia, doesn’t know his party’s policy on Medicare? No offence to those in Shitsville, but Julie Bishop and Sarah Hanson-Young are figureheads of their parties. Strong, articulate and powerful women who have their shit together, basically. But they dropped the ball this week. Will they come back like Thurston or capitulate like [insert any New South Welshman]? Only time will tell.

In politics, as in bowling and religion, you should never drop the ball.

The biggest issue this week was, of course, State of Origin. New South Wales and Queensland electorates certainly couldn’t give two hoots about what was going on in politics over the past seven days. Queenslanders especially.

Should another nation ever want to invade Queensland, Origin week would be a good time to do it. If they poured their army across the border on the Wednesday afternoon, I doubt anyone would notice. As long as they avoided Caxton Street, but they could always just dress their soldiers in maroon and most would think it a parade.

They would need to ensure full and secure control of all government buildings come Thursday though. Lest they’re faced with an army of wild eyed, fiercely proud, off-purple lunatics that morning. Nursing mild hangovers and a salivating, rabid loyalty to their state, they’re likely to come with everything they’ve got. Win or lose, the night before.

Vote for Robert Borsak!
Vote for Robert Borsak!

So this is perhaps why, in a week when Shooters, Fishers and Farmers party MP Robert Borsak admitted to killing and eating Dumbo, and probably also consuming Bambi’s mum, Bill Shorten’s blooper in calling Queensland ‘the Storm’ may have been the most costly by far. He surely thought it a harmless faux-pas, quickly forgotten and consigned to the chuckle factory, but he has certainly lost votes.

You might be able to fuck with a Queenslander’s Super and get away with it, but you certainly can’t disrespect Cam and the boys.

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here


TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Two – The Major Parties

In this week’s half-baked coverage of the upcoming federal election, TPA’s Alasdair McClintock loosely analyses the pros and cons of the three major parties, coming to the inevitable conclusion that there are no pros and, um, they’re all cons.


The Major Parties

The Vengaboys like to party. It’s true. They told us. But do they like the major parties? I doubt it. These are not the parties the Vengaboys are used to. Shovelling cocaine down their noses at Ibiza, I don’t imagine the grey suits in Canberra cross their minds at all. If they do, these connoisseurs of cheesy electro-pop must be on some mind-bending stuff.

And I suspect they wouldn’t be the only ones. Some pretty weird shit has been going on since last week, when I rolled up my sleeves and got elbow deep in the filthy and primal motivations of the men who might lead this country. (I still can’t wash the stench off my hands).

The campaign is heating up. Mud is being flung. Candidates are already falling to the wayside and this street fight hasn’t even really started yet. Can someone please fill up the ice trays and stock up on Betadine? Because things are about to get rough.

What has been evident throughout is that all three parties are prepared to fight dirty – yes, I’m including the Greens as a ‘major party’ – and all seem far more adept at being ‘the opposition’ than actually leading the country. In Australian politics, if the other guys suggest something, it is de rigueur to immediately come out and announce it is a shit idea, and that they clearly have no idea what they’re doing – they may as well be sacrificing goats to some pulsating and phallic false idol, for all the bloody good they’re doing!

A curious object to find in the Prime Minister's office.
A curious object to find in the Prime Minister’s office.

But this simply cannot always be the case. These are educated people. Socially retarded fools in their own way, certainly, but occasionally they’re going to get things right. It would be refreshing for someone get up and say, “You know what? That’s actually a pretty good idea. We didn’t think of it, but we sure as hell might implement it should we get into power.”

Now that would be a head turner! I would vote for that Party, without hesitation, because it says to me that they actually want to lead this country forward, rather than just be the cool guys in whatever dowdy Canberra bars politicians frequent (can you imagine how fucking pompous those places must be?).

It’s not going to happen, though. I don’t know why it’s not going to happen, but it’s just not. The three major parties hate each other at a level that perhaps only Solange and Jay Z could understand. I can easily imagine Shorten going apeshit ballistic in an elevator. In fact, I desperately want to see that. I don’t even care who he attacks. It would be brilliant.

Shorten awaits his next victim.
Shorten awaits his next victim.

But why do they hate each other so much? I have friends with differing political views to myself, yet we can still enjoy a sesh at the local bar without resorting to name calling and underhanded swipes. Most of the time, at least.

My understanding of the major parties, in very simple terms, is: the Libs love big business and believe it stimulates the economy, we all get jobs, we can build stuff and everyone’s happy; Labor believe that an educated, healthy and well looked after society will naturally thrive; and the Greens believe if we continue to destroy the planet at such an incredible rate, it doesn’t matter what else we do, we’re all fucked.

These are all fair theories. The logical thing would be to work with all three and see what we can come up with. Instead we have some sort of distorted cage fight where, in lieu of throwing punches, pale skinned and overfed reprobates hurl carefully worded, condescending insults at each other.

I’m not sure any of them are fit to run a medium-sized business, much less an entire country. Take the Liberal Party’s Peter Dutton for example. What kind of psychotic retard thinks those comments are going to fly in contemporary society? What he said was bad enough, but the stupidity he displayed by actually saying them is unforgivable. If he was working for a large private company in the public eye, he’s lost his job by now, but in government these lunatics get a free pass.*

He’s right, you know.

Is it too much to ask that they all get along? I suppose it is … Can we vote for the Vengaboys?

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP1983

Read Week One – The Leaders here