Kid Hits Puberty Early, Will Dominate Rugby For Two Years

A 9-year-old boy has hit puberty early and will dominate underage rugby for the next two years, according to sources.

The boy, Andrew Simpkins, is proving absolutely unstoppable in the local Grace Hill U10s competition, with 13 tries this season in just six games.

Mothers are reportedly scared that the red-haired Simpkins will inflict an injury on their sons, who really do appear tiny compared to this pubic disaster.

“He’s got two years of dominance before the other kids catch up, then it’s good night nurse,” one cynical parent told The Public Apology.

The Grace Hill Rugby Club is considering implementing a program designed to help early bloomers transition to normal adolescent life after their two-year reign is over.

“These kids need to realise early that puberty-based dominance is temporary – and it’s what you do with your life afterwards that counts,” Club President Harold Lindsay said.

“We just need to give these kids the tools they need to succeed. There is life after early on-set puberty.”

By staff writers

Sydney ‘Jock’ Exposed as Try-Hard at Lame Eastern Suburbs Party

A Sydney man who presented himself as both a die-hard Waratahs fan and a junior rugby prodigy has been exposed as a fraud.

The 29-year-old Double Bay native and boat shoe aficionado was at a mediocre house party last Saturday night, where he openly claimed to be a “huge ‘Tahs fan.”

However, when put on the spot to list three current players in the Waratahs line up, he was only able to come up with “Folau… and is Chris Whittaker still playing?”

The man was also later discovered to have embellished his high-school footballing prowess. Having claimed to have been an integral part of the “Shore 2002 1st XV,” it subsequently emerged that he played mostly 3rd XV rugby and just “one or two games off the bench for the 2s,” according to one party-goer.

“I’m not sure what he was thinking going to a house party in Paddington and lying about who he played for at school,” the source told The Public Apology.

“There were at least four Shore old boys there on Saturday night, mostly from the class of 2004, and they all remembered this guy as a ball hogging inside centre who couldn’t throw a left-to-right spiral pass.”

The unnamed man was later seen drowning his sorrows at The Courthouse in Taylor’s Square while watching the FA Cup final. It is also assumed that he made a terrible sexual decision early on Sunday morning.

By staff writers 

Pocock Now Force Skipper, Next Step Captain Of The World

In what is part of a wider strategy to eventually take over as Captain of the World, David Pocock has been named Western Force skipper for the 2012 Super 15 season.

The Public Apology has obtained a secret dossier that details Pocock’s strategic goals over the next seven years and has chosen to publish it in the public interest.

According to the report, Pocock will succeed Nathan Sharpe as Force skipper and take the team all the way in the Super 15 season, before springing a surprise coup on WA Labor leader Mark McGowan with the assistance of key power-brokers.

After winning the hearts and minds of each and every Western Australian, Pocock will then go to the polls against current premier Colin Barnett in the 2013 Western Australian state election – and win handsomely, thanks to his effortless combination of brains and brawn.

Barnett: will prove no match for Pocock

Once he has used his power and influence as WA premier to implement federal legislation regarding the equal treatment of gay and lesbian couples, Pocock will continue to promote fair trade rules – specifically government and company practices – to support impoverished workers in developing countries.

At this point, having eradicated world poverty and put Australia on the “humanitarian map”, Pocock’s heroics will force a federal referendum to establish a Republic. Once this is passed unanimously the Wallaby flanker will be voted in as President by public vote, the purest form of election.

As President of the New Republic of Australia, Pocock will gain the trust and forgiveness of Aborigines and Australians of Irish origin, who have for years seen the Australian Crown as a symbol of British Imperialism. Pocock’s work to remove the last lingering vestiges of racism in the Australian Constitution, eradicate world hunger and create same-sex equality in Australia will land him a United Nations Public Service Award in 2016.

Fair trade is expected to flourish under Pocock’s tenure

At this point, the world will be so impressed with Pocock’s humanitarian service, political nous and incredible physique – bear in mind that, by this time, he is already the captain of the Wallabies and juggling his playing commitments with the Australian presidency – that he will be elected UN Secretary-General on 1 January 2017, despite not even announcing his candidacy.

And from here Pocock is expected to be elected Captain of the World in 2018, following a year-long social media campaign (by now everyone in the world has a Twitter account and an iPad 16) that gains such traction it is impossible to ignore.

Pocock did not reply to The Public Apology’s request for confirmation by time of publishing.

By Dave Edwards