Boks break bread in MasterChef challenge

Coach Peter de Villiers may have initially denied it, but the word out of South Africa is that the Springboks’ “injured” stars have been training in a secret Rustenburg camp. However, instead of practicing their line-outs, rucks and mauls, reports from the camp suggest they’ve been honing their duck liver parfait, pork belly terrine and ‘crockenbush’ skills.

UK MasterChef founder Franc Roddam conceded last night that South African television station Mnet had secured rights to produce a local version of the reality franchise.

ThePublicApology understands that the production crew had insisted upon having at least two top-tier Boks on the show. And according to reports, competition was so fierce between players that a secret training session and cook off had to take place.

Meanwhile, it is understood that Victor Matfield and Fourie Du Preeze emerged as the two successful players-turned-chefs, edging out Bryan Habana. Habana was left disappointed when judges described his truffle risotto with braised chanterelles as “unpredictable and laced with errors, just like his rugby.”

Habana, "surprisingly bland"

One judge later referred to Habana’s inclusion in the MasterChef cook off as “the product of an outdated system.”

“He was only there because, in post-apartheid South Africa, all competitions require a certain quota of non-white players; it’s a bloody disgrace,” he said.

“Chefs, like footy players and cricketers, should be picked on merit and not on the colour of their skin.”

Matfield and Du Preeze are reportedly looking forward to facing more complicated culinary challenges with other prominent South Africans, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, author J.M. Coetzee and actor Arnold Volsoo – better known as the ‘bad guy in the Mummy movies’ – when the MasterChef series premieres later this year.

By Luke Meredith

Ex-jocks now bloated, beer addicted: Report

Sydney’s elite private schools are churning out thousands of bloated, beer reliant ex-jocks, according to a new report.

An Institute of Societal Trends paper, Jocks: Now the Party’s Over, looked at ex-1st XV Sydney private school rugby players from 1995 onwards and found 42%  are technically alcoholic, while 38% are in the ‘seriously teetering on alcoholism’ category.

Of the remaining 10%, half are playing Super 15 rugby and the other half are working in the commerce sector on Sydney’s George Street.

The paper indicated that former jocks struggle when thrust out of their bubble and tend to take consolation in beers at north shore pubs as a way of dealing with their emotions.

“I could bench press 150 kilos in year 12 and I was vice captain of the combined GPS 1st XV,” bragged one ex-jock. “Now I’m bloated and lonely. Sometimes I dream of running out in front of a packed school crowd, schoolmates chanting my name and cheering me on, young girls shrieking with pubescent delight – only to wake up and realise I’m just a junior advertising executive at a reasonably well-known biscuit company.”

“It’s a real reminder that I’m not who I used to be – and it scares me.”

Psychologist Sue Bradfield said these young men are facing hurdles in their 20s that they are seemingly emotionally ill-equipped to deal with.

“All they know is how to drink beer and make crude misogynistic jokes and brag about their sexual exploits, which is all well and good if your self-esteem is high, but a dangerous exercise if it isn’t,” she said.

“With only 5% of ex-jocks likely to play Super 15 Rugby, more and more of them are turning to beers and, even more worryingly, are taking up highly paid positions with investment banks.”

“I used to scull a beer to rapturous applause at 18th birthdays, but now I just get a strange silence upon completing a beverage,” said one former schoolboy footballer. “Women in real life aren’t impressed by a bloaty mid 20s failure, even one who used to light up upper North Shore football fields.”

Pub patrons have been urged to stay away from North Shore hangouts such as The Commodore, The Crows Nest Hotel and ‘Minskys’ in case they come across any former GPS or CAS footballers drinking away their pain.

“The casual pub-goer should remember that ex-jocks are still considered dangerous and should not be approached under any circumstance,” NSW Police Commissioner Andrew Scipione said.

By Dave Edwards