Homoerotic Fan Fiction Uncovered in Australian Dressing Rooms

Following Usman Khawaja’s salacious bum grab of Adam Zampa during the recent One Day series against New Zealand, The Public Apology can exclusively reveal an extract of erotic fan-fiction found by cleaning staff after the game.

***

Adam Zampa sat quietly alone, polishing his bat in the Australian changing room. He had dreamed of being amongst these lockers since he first picked up a bit of wood and started frantically playing with his balls in that Shellharbour backyard all those years ago.

He was nervous, sure, but his excitement was also palpable. The familiar scent of the oil that lubricated and hardened the willow in his hand went some way in calming his nerves as well.

“What a nice hunk of wood.”

He looked up and saw a man he had long looked up to, leaning languidly against the changing room entrance. Usman Khawaja. THE form player of international cricket.

Zampa reddened under his gaze.

“Don’t blush baby,” Khawaja smiled, “I like a man who takes care of his kit.”

Zampa smiled sheepishly back. “I saw you bat today, your stroke play was magnificent.”

Khawaja gave a careless shrug, as if to say it ain’t no thang.

He entered the room proper and sat by Zampa’s side. “I can teach you if you like?”

"It was consensual ... "
“It was consensual … “

“Teach me how to bat?”

“Yeah. I’ve learned a few things around the circuit. Do you consider yourself an all-rounder?

“Doesn’t everyone?”

Khawaja chuckled and then gently rubbed his thigh. “You’re funny. I like funny … You’ve got a fine leg too.” His hand moved up and grabbed Zampa’s middle stump. “Will you bat with me?” He asked, before getting right up in his grill to score a cheeky single on his lips.

“Uh – I suppose.” Zampa stammered. The taste of fluorescent zinc still dancing upon his lips as he hardened between Khawaja’s vice like grip.

Khawaja swiftly pulled back the covers of Zampa’s training silkies. “Let’s start with a full toss so I can see your pull shot.”

“I’m more of a hooker …”

His soft hands stopped in their tracks. “I don’t bounce that way.” He said sternly.

“Of course.” Zampa spluttered apologetically. “I’m sorry, it’s your call.”

Before he knew what was happening, Khawaja had spun him around and had his face pushed into the cold, wet cement of the floor. His posterior arched longingly in the air.

“How about I just bowl while you keep?” He whispered gruffly into his ear.

“Ok.” Zampa replied nervously. Khawaja had a tight grip of him and he was beginning to worry it was more than he could handle.

“Did you bring any gloves?”

“Always.” He slipped one on and gently slipped inside him. “Howzat?” He asked with a surprising tenderness.

“I’m a little worried about runs, I’ve got form.”

“It’s ok. I love a dusty wicket.” He reached under and gently cupped his baggy green. “No ball?”

“A childhood accident.” Zampa responded impatiently, tired of being treated like he was a maiden and keen for a powerplay. “Just shut up and fuck me, you FUCKING COWARD!”

deliverancepiggy
Dramatic reenactment.

Enlivened, Khawaja started pushing the boundaries. He worked wood and ball furiously together in a symphonic harmony that had Zampa humming as he began to feel the full force of his debut. It was a rough, grinding knock and just what was needed in the context of the session.

“Are you a finisher Adam? Finish me!” Khawaja shouted at the top of his lungs.

“YES! YES! YES!” Was Zampa’s euphoric response.

With one fine straight drive, Usman shuddered and reached his milestone deep within Zampa’s player’s tunnel.

Zampa sobbed with joy beneath him. “I love you.” He whispered, as he tried to extract himself from the tangle of limbs and turn to face him.

“I’m not out yet.” Khawaja grumbled as he pushed him back down. “I like to stay in as long as I can.”

Eventually, Khawaja removed himself from both Zampa and the glove – the latter he hurled it into Davey Warner’s kit-bag with a sinister chuckle.

“Will I see you again?” Zampa asked desperately from the ground, his face awash with emotion.

Khawaja looked coldly at him as he put his thick willow away and sidled to the door. “No. That’s over.”

By Alasdair McClintock

TPA Pays Respects After Retirement of Rugby League Great

He was one of the fiercest competitors the game has ever known.

A hard tackling and ruthless player who made a career out of tasking risks, which more often than not, paid off handsomely.

In his prime he was all-powerful and almost all-conquering. Like a fox, he was equal parts cunning and intimidating.

At times he could rightfully be accused of thinking he was biggest than the game – but to be honest, he probably was.

Indeed, he almost blew up the code entirely through sheer selfishness, but ultimately his disruptive antics gave rugby league the shake-up it deserved.

He was a mongrel and a scoundrel, but he will be missed.

Happy retirement, Keith Rupert Murdoch.

By staff writers

Karmichael Hunt offers new insight on how to clean up Rugby League

“Rugby league players get into more trouble because they are dumb and/or uneducated”.

It’s a  justification that is tossed around every time a rugby league player is caught for assault, drink driving or pissing in his own mouth.

But it’s not just pub talk. Public figures such as Peter Fitzsimons’ have long espoused a similar view, although his particular version is laced with slightly more boorish class warfare overtones (never mind the fact that  people with degrees from a sandstone universities also embarrass themselves while on the piss).

Indeed, the view that rugby league players are over-represented when it comes to off-field indiscretions and brushes with the law is widely held simply because there aren’t many people arguing against it.

But thankfully Karmichael Hunt – a man who has more insight than most when it comes to the football codes – has offered an alternative view.

Karmichael told a radio station recently:

“The demands of AFL footy mean you need to be in peak condition. For most of the year you need to be able to knock out 12km or 13km on the weekend. In terms of the culture of going out and enjoying yourself after every game, that does not happen whereas in rugby league, because the physical demands are a lot lighter compared to AFL, you could find boys out enjoying themselves. I certainly did when I was younger because I knew that the next week it would not affect me.”

So according to Mr Hunt, it’s not that rugby league players aren’t smart enough to avoid getting into trouble. It’s the fact they have enough energy left over after a game to go out on the town for a drink, a fight and a glassing.

And therein lies the solution to cleaning up rugby league: make the players run more. If they’re too tired, they won’t get up to mischief.

Thanks to Karmichael’s insight, we now have a blueprint on how to fix up the code. Below are three subtle rule changes that will clear things up quickly.

1. Add bumper bowling bars to the sides of the field.

By putting walls around the edges of the field, the ball will never go out of play. This will reduce timely stoppages and make it harder for players to catch their breath. It will also make collisions between the wingers and the wall interesting/dangerous (the two are not mutually exclusive).

The ball NEVER GOES OUT
The ball NEVER GOES OUT

2. Take away two players from each team. It’s now 11 a side.

Get rid of the two second-rowers. All they do is clog up the field and slow down the game by making tackles and stopping people running. I don’t think they will be missed.

By removing two massive humans from the field, we are freeing up a lot of space.
By removing two massive humans from the field, we are freeing up a lot of space.

3. Play on a cricket oval.

Rugby league’s glory days took place on the SCG. This is the perfect opportunity to return league to it’s rightful place, but this time the push the field up to the boundary. This will bring the fans closer to the action, and make the players run more (thus getting more tired).

"You see Johnno, it's kind of like AFL but we hit each other more"
“You see Johnno, it’s kind of like AFL but we hit each other more”

By making these simple alterations to the game of rugby league, we can clean up the code’s image. It’s not about introducing mandatory behaviour codes, fining players and sacking them for making mistakes, the solution is making players expend more energy on the field, so they will have less energy to commit felonies or bring disgrace on themselves and the code.

Thanks Karmichael. Who would of thought that the very man who abandoned the game would one day save it?

By Ben Shine.