TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Five – The Grind

As the sad clowns continue to juggle for an increasingly inattentive audience, TPA’s Alasdair McClintock starts to regret signing up for this caper. How many politicians feel the same?

*****

The Grind

In a moment of wild inspiration I decided to do eight weeks of analysis on this upcoming election. Normally I forget these moments and don’t see it through. They come to me after six beers and disappear in a fog of whiskey twenty minutes later, but this time I was sober and made the foolish promise to TPA editor, Dave Edwards, that I would actually do it.

I don’t think even he thought I would deliver, yet here we are, just over halfway there and I’m still pegging away, like an old prostitute with a strap-on, in the hope there are still a few weirdos out there who are into it.

Oh, Miley ...
Oh, Miley …

Yet much like the politicians campaigning, I’m five weeks in and I’ve run out of fresh ideas. I’ve talked about a few obvious issues, skipped over heaps more, and now I find myself on a loop. Repeating slogans. Groping babies. Kissing journalists. The grind.

Myself, Malcolm, Bill et al. are now just punching the clock and trying to make our 500 metaphorical burritos a day, so we can go home and actually watch Netflix and chill. No sexual intercourse, we’re far too tired for that.

I get the feeling the whole country has fallen into the same malaise. Are any swinging voters going to change their vote over the next few weeks? I doubt it. They may as well hold the election tomorrow and be done with it. The only swinging going on now is in forty-something house parties out in Pennant Hills. A liberal stronghold represented by Philip Ruddock. Do they get to keep the Party Whip?

Loves an orgy.
Loves an orgy.

At least this isn’t America. Those bastards have been clamouring for months just to decide who gets to run for President. Campaigning, itself, seems to be a viable industry over there. You want to get rich in the United States? Start a balloon and streamer company. You only need three colours. Red, white and blue. Ironically, also the colours of Russia.

But while they fight over the lesser of two evils, we fight over the lesser of two dotards. Whatever spark there ever was in Australian politics, is long dead. Buried under a slew of white career politicians who have absolutely no idea what it is like to live in the real world and interact with normal people.

If they did, they would realise that Australia doesn’t want another rigid cardboard cut-out that tiptoes around every sensitive issue. That doesn’t mean we want a Trump, Abbott or Katter either. We just want a normal person.

Is that too much to fucking ask?

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here

Read Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson” here

TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson…”

Will our politicians continue to ‘make it rain’ or tighten up the drawstrings and cut off all circulation?

*****

Economics, Dear Watson

The very words ‘economic policy’ usually send a shudder through my system and provoke a quick grab for the radio dial. I would sooner listen to notable degenerates, Kyle and Jackie O, and let them fill my ears with vile rumour and trash, than hear another politician outline their approach to addressing the budget deficit. But this week, I swallowed my panic and decided to listen to the respective plans of our would-be leaders.

In doing so, I learned a few things.

Degenerates.
                                   Degenerates

I learned that Labor aim to get rid of the deficit over ten years, and Liberal sooner. I learned that neither party believes the other will achieve it. And I also learned the expression ‘fiscal contraction’, which made me giggle.

Did I learn any clear strategies as to how they are going to achieve their goals? No. Would I have hung around to listen had either party actually gone into the details? Most certainly not. Perhaps this is why details are so rare in politics. People want broad brush strokes and easy-to-understand Mr. Squiggle drawings. Details are for fashion designers and contract lawyers.

Notable economist and probable sex-worker, Mr. Squiggle.
Notable economist and probable sex-worker, Mr. Squiggle.

I really don’t believe that either side is so incompetent that it would send this country to rack and ruin. Do you? Do Liberal voters really believe that Labor, under Shorten, would see our economy collapse like Greece? Yes, Kevin Rudd was an overreaching lunatic, but Shorten does seem a little more grounded, albeit far less charismatic.*

The Greeks just beat us in the soccer anyway, so they can’t be going that bad.

And is this budget deficit really so pressing as the media would have us believe? Are we really broke? Are loan sharks coming in hot to break all our legs? I highly doubt it. Chipping away at it over ten years actually seems like a sensible plan to me. Rather than just immediately tightening the draw strings and screaming at the kids “We’re eating fucking Wonder White until we’ve paid off Mummy’s gambling debts!” can’t we just cut back on the truffle oil in our scrambled eggs for a while?

A poor substitute for truffle infused eggs.
A poor substitute for truffle infused eggs.

I asked an economist what he thought and he said “Fuck, how good were the Fine Young Cannibals?” and that “Our current situation is not diabolical, but if the next government doesn’t make a concerted effort to reduce it, it will start becoming a major issue.”

This tells me that a) it’s not such a big deal, though we should probably start getting our shit together, and b) that economists have terrible taste in music. Two things I have always suspected.

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

* I would like to stress that Rudd was merely charismatic for a politician. On the normal person scale, he makes my skin crawl.

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here

The Ian Higgins Show featuring TPA’s Dave J. Edwards

This week on the Ian Higgins Show featuring TPA’s Dave J. Edwards, the ‘boys’ discuss:

  • The sad passing of Muhammad Ali. No jokes here.
  • Novak Djokovic wins the French Open – is he the GOAT… and is Murray a choker?
  • There’s something unclean about clay tennis
  • Are we witnessing the twilight of Serena Williams’ career?
  • Kyrgios isn’t going to Rio – do we care, or is this good?
  • We preview Game 3 in the NBA Finals – can the Cavs come back?
  • And there’s a ODI tri-series going on in the Caribbean… and we don’t care.

 

Click the media player below and have a listen: