TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Seven – The Night Before Shitmas

Finally, after seven weeks of tawdry sexual imagery and poorly formed sporting parallels, TPA’s Alasdair McClintock puts this madness to rest.

*****

The Night Before Shitmas

After several torrid months we now find ourselves here, on the eve of the election. Thank heavens. I don’t think it’s just me, but I have felt a real disconnection from this election and I’ve been tasked with analysing* the fucking thing.

Tomorrow, after I cast my vote, I will just be relieved I don’t have to pretend I’m on the phone when passing people handing out propaganda on the street anymore. I’ll still have to do it for charity workers, but you can’t have it all.

Strangely, I still don’t know who I will be voting for. The urge to draw a dick and balls on the ballot paper is strong this year. Real strong. But, as my father pointed out, the only person to see that dick and balls will likely be some lovely old lady volunteering her time to count the votes and she doesn’t need to be confronted with such a grotesque depiction of the male genitalia while doing her bit for the free world, does she?

Maybe she does … Maybe it will give her a thrill.

Granny
Oh, my …

But horny old grandmothers aside, all signs point to this being a very close election. There is a very good chance we will have a new Government come Sunday and Bill Shorten will be our new Prime Minister – despite the fact he is well behind on pretty much every poll you care to dig up. I still haven’t decided whether this would be a good thing or not.

I disagree strongly with a lot of the Liberal Party’s policies, but I can’t say I’m too down with Labor’s either. Vote Independent or Green! I hear you holler. Well, I just can’t shake the feeling that would largely be pointless, given the electorate I’m in. I guarantee you they’re not getting in around here.

The highlight for me and many others will be the sausage sizzle and with the candidates being so similar the biggest decision a lot of us will have to make is whether to have tomato sauce or not. It is a tough one, to be sure, but I’m going to back ‘Yes’ in for the majority on that one. Although, personally, I will be voting for mustard.

ELECTMUSTARD_BUTTON
The people’s choice.

As for The Big One, I’m going to go with Burt the psychic crocodile and back Malcolm and the gang to sneak it in, on the back of Bill Shorten’s staggering lack of charisma. Dick and balls might run a close third, with the Greens not too far behind.

I’m just pleased that after seven weeks we can finally put this monstrosity to rest. It has dug its own grave, said its prayers and as it kneels before the shallow hole, shotgun to its head, I’m not sure I’m even willing to afford it any final words.

I know what they’re going to be anyway … “Jobs and economy.”

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

* I use the word very loosely.

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here

Read Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson” here

Read Week Five – The Grind here

Read Week Six – The Media here

TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Six – The Media

Is TPA the only truly neutral voice in this election? Are we even neutral? We don’t even know.

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The Media

I picked up a Daily Telegraph the other day – don’t judge me, I was flicking to the sport – when a little side bar caught my eye. ‘Greens Latest Lunacy’* was the heading. I chuckled sadly at this brazen lack of objectivity and read the so-called ‘lunacy’. It was about some Greens candidate saying Canadian PM, Justin Trudeau, was his inspiration.

They lambasted him for having the hide to compare himself to a charming and handsome leader whose mother “partied with the Rolling Stones,” happily ignoring the fact he only said Trudeau was an inspiration, not that he was in any way like him. I find inspiration in Lebron James and I’ve got to tell you, I’m nothing like Lebron James. The closest I come to his discipline is typing the word into Pornhub.

Sasssssssssssssssssssssss ...
Sasssssssssssssssssssssss …

But it got me thinking, have Australian journalists just simply given up? “Don’t believe everything that you read in the papers,” was an oft touted line back in the day when people actually read papers, but now it might be more accurate to say “Don’t believe anything that you read in the papers.” I sure as hell don’t. The sport scores are about the only thing I trust and even then I’ll often seek a second source.

We live in a write it now, worry about the facts later era and whatever quality journalism there may be out there is swiftly lost in a fetid ejaculation of quickly thrown together articles ending in a string of ‘Tweets’ by sad loners and B-grade celebrities. Journalists these days don’t even have the self-respect to write their own words! Or maybe I’m being unfair of JStar69 from Penrith. She really nailed it in her 140 character rant. #Lol.

Slovenly, gravy stained, political writers spit bile at whoever their bosses tell them too and television journalists put on their make up and read their lines, and don’t really think too much about anything, apart from who they can get get to go down on them on the weekend.

This guy just looks fucking evil!
This guy just looks fucking evil!

These days I get most of my news from ABC Radio, as they seem to be the most level-headed, but the Lib’s would have us believe they are all wild-eyed lefties. Am I a wild-eyed lefty for listening? I don’t think I am, I’d like to think I’m in the middle, but maybe I’m delusional.

Sure, I don’t want to see the word destroyed and innocent people die, all in the name of a dollar, but should that make me left-wing? It just seems like simple common sense to me. Schoolyard shit, really. Be nice to your neighbours and don’t burn down your own fucking house.

There was an interesting story on the radio the other day (yes, ABC) about conservative Republican voters in America being uneasy on Donald Trump because of his vague position on abortion and small businesses being able to refuse LGBT people service. These are their main concerns? Really?

I can empathise with conservative attitudes to immigration to a certain extent, but when something doesn’t directly affect you in any way whatsoever, why care so much? Just bake the fucking cake for the gay couple and take their money! Stick a pube in it, if they really offend you so much.** That’s what capitalism is all about!

Make a Republican elephant ... with a penis cake pan!
Make a Republican elephant … with a penis cake pan!

But I’m rambling now. This election has sent me into a babbling delirium and I don’t know what’s up and what’s down. Who’s right and who’s left. Where I am or even who I’m going to vote for. All I know is I want this monstrosity to end.

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

* I’m taking this from memory, that may not be 100% verbatim, but it’s more of less accurate.

** I would like to stress I am not advocating putting pubic hairs in anybody’s food, much less members of the LGBT community.

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here

Read Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson” here

Read Week Five – The Grind here

TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson…”

Will our politicians continue to ‘make it rain’ or tighten up the drawstrings and cut off all circulation?

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Economics, Dear Watson

The very words ‘economic policy’ usually send a shudder through my system and provoke a quick grab for the radio dial. I would sooner listen to notable degenerates, Kyle and Jackie O, and let them fill my ears with vile rumour and trash, than hear another politician outline their approach to addressing the budget deficit. But this week, I swallowed my panic and decided to listen to the respective plans of our would-be leaders.

In doing so, I learned a few things.

Degenerates.
                                   Degenerates

I learned that Labor aim to get rid of the deficit over ten years, and Liberal sooner. I learned that neither party believes the other will achieve it. And I also learned the expression ‘fiscal contraction’, which made me giggle.

Did I learn any clear strategies as to how they are going to achieve their goals? No. Would I have hung around to listen had either party actually gone into the details? Most certainly not. Perhaps this is why details are so rare in politics. People want broad brush strokes and easy-to-understand Mr. Squiggle drawings. Details are for fashion designers and contract lawyers.

Notable economist and probable sex-worker, Mr. Squiggle.
Notable economist and probable sex-worker, Mr. Squiggle.

I really don’t believe that either side is so incompetent that it would send this country to rack and ruin. Do you? Do Liberal voters really believe that Labor, under Shorten, would see our economy collapse like Greece? Yes, Kevin Rudd was an overreaching lunatic, but Shorten does seem a little more grounded, albeit far less charismatic.*

The Greeks just beat us in the soccer anyway, so they can’t be going that bad.

And is this budget deficit really so pressing as the media would have us believe? Are we really broke? Are loan sharks coming in hot to break all our legs? I highly doubt it. Chipping away at it over ten years actually seems like a sensible plan to me. Rather than just immediately tightening the draw strings and screaming at the kids “We’re eating fucking Wonder White until we’ve paid off Mummy’s gambling debts!” can’t we just cut back on the truffle oil in our scrambled eggs for a while?

A poor substitute for truffle infused eggs.
A poor substitute for truffle infused eggs.

I asked an economist what he thought and he said “Fuck, how good were the Fine Young Cannibals?” and that “Our current situation is not diabolical, but if the next government doesn’t make a concerted effort to reduce it, it will start becoming a major issue.”

This tells me that a) it’s not such a big deal, though we should probably start getting our shit together, and b) that economists have terrible taste in music. Two things I have always suspected.

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

* I would like to stress that Rudd was merely charismatic for a politician. On the normal person scale, he makes my skin crawl.

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here