TPA’s Election Analysis: Week Six – The Media

Is TPA the only truly neutral voice in this election? Are we even neutral? We don’t even know.

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The Media

I picked up a Daily Telegraph the other day – don’t judge me, I was flicking to the sport – when a little side bar caught my eye. ‘Greens Latest Lunacy’* was the heading. I chuckled sadly at this brazen lack of objectivity and read the so-called ‘lunacy’. It was about some Greens candidate saying Canadian PM, Justin Trudeau, was his inspiration.

They lambasted him for having the hide to compare himself to a charming and handsome leader whose mother “partied with the Rolling Stones,” happily ignoring the fact he only said Trudeau was an inspiration, not that he was in any way like him. I find inspiration in Lebron James and I’ve got to tell you, I’m nothing like Lebron James. The closest I come to his discipline is typing the word into Pornhub.

Sasssssssssssssssssssssss ...
Sasssssssssssssssssssssss …

But it got me thinking, have Australian journalists just simply given up? “Don’t believe everything that you read in the papers,” was an oft touted line back in the day when people actually read papers, but now it might be more accurate to say “Don’t believe anything that you read in the papers.” I sure as hell don’t. The sport scores are about the only thing I trust and even then I’ll often seek a second source.

We live in a write it now, worry about the facts later era and whatever quality journalism there may be out there is swiftly lost in a fetid ejaculation of quickly thrown together articles ending in a string of ‘Tweets’ by sad loners and B-grade celebrities. Journalists these days don’t even have the self-respect to write their own words! Or maybe I’m being unfair of JStar69 from Penrith. She really nailed it in her 140 character rant. #Lol.

Slovenly, gravy stained, political writers spit bile at whoever their bosses tell them too and television journalists put on their make up and read their lines, and don’t really think too much about anything, apart from who they can get get to go down on them on the weekend.

This guy just looks fucking evil!
This guy just looks fucking evil!

These days I get most of my news from ABC Radio, as they seem to be the most level-headed, but the Lib’s would have us believe they are all wild-eyed lefties. Am I a wild-eyed lefty for listening? I don’t think I am, I’d like to think I’m in the middle, but maybe I’m delusional.

Sure, I don’t want to see the word destroyed and innocent people die, all in the name of a dollar, but should that make me left-wing? It just seems like simple common sense to me. Schoolyard shit, really. Be nice to your neighbours and don’t burn down your own fucking house.

There was an interesting story on the radio the other day (yes, ABC) about conservative Republican voters in America being uneasy on Donald Trump because of his vague position on abortion and small businesses being able to refuse LGBT people service. These are their main concerns? Really?

I can empathise with conservative attitudes to immigration to a certain extent, but when something doesn’t directly affect you in any way whatsoever, why care so much? Just bake the fucking cake for the gay couple and take their money! Stick a pube in it, if they really offend you so much.** That’s what capitalism is all about!

Make a Republican elephant ... with a penis cake pan!
Make a Republican elephant … with a penis cake pan!

But I’m rambling now. This election has sent me into a babbling delirium and I don’t know what’s up and what’s down. Who’s right and who’s left. Where I am or even who I’m going to vote for. All I know is I want this monstrosity to end.

By Alasdair McClintock

Twitter: @AWJP83

* I’m taking this from memory, that may not be 100% verbatim, but it’s more of less accurate.

** I would like to stress I am not advocating putting pubic hairs in anybody’s food, much less members of the LGBT community.

Read Week One – The Leaders here

Read Week Two – The Major Parties here

Read Week Three – The Big Issues here

Read Week Four – “Economics, Dear Watson” here

Read Week Five – The Grind here

The fine art of personal branding

With 2012 having only just begun, most in the United States are already overwhelmed by an onslaught of campaign ads.  With President Obama facing re-election later this year, it is the Republicans’ turn to force-feed their ideology to the American public via 30 second TV ads.  Just imagine a gun-toting, middle-aged man barking about freedom from the atheistic liberals.

And while the idea of suffering through another nine months of hyperbolic nonsense is painful at best, it has me thinking … why don’t professional athletes do the same?

So, why are you such a douche?

Sure, endorsing products is a much more lucrative way for an athlete to publicize his personal brand, but what if you saw a paid advertisement from the athlete himself?  Some would say Lebron James and ESPN tried this when James announced he was leaving Cleveland for Miami.  Problem being that was more of a Lebron infomercial, not a commercial.  That didn’t work for the same reasons people prefer texting as opposed to talking.  Anyone who has ever ignored a call from their parents the morning after a heavy bender knows exactly what I’m talking about.  Instead of sitting around for thirty minutes trying to blow yourself – as Lebron and ESPN did – I want a simple, quick blast of information.

The most violent reaction to an infomercial ever

For instance, with the NFL season nearly over, why shouldn’t Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees put out 30 second spots campaigning for the league’s MVP.  Better yet, Tim Tebow could put out an ad out asking why so many people hate him.  Maybe something like this:

“Hi, my name is Tim Tebow and I would really like it if you liked me.  Sure I’m not an ideal quarterback; I certainly don’t have great stats, but – much like my savior Jesus Christ – I single-handedly resurrected the Denver Broncos.  Do you like an underdog? If so, please join me, Tim Tebow, as I kill ‘em with kindness all the way to the top!” 

Of course as soon as that was released, Tom Brady would have to respond.  Brady, cool as a cucumber, would wait a few days and leak a video on Youtube.  Why Youtube? Brady wants to be the quarterback of the people.  Though the cost of making the ad will be just as expensive as Tebow’s, by making it viral Brady appears to be ‘in touch’ with his audience.  The video wouldn’t actually feature Brady himself, but rather his wife – supermodel Gisele Bundchen.  Brazil’s most popular export would be wearing nothing but her husband’s game jersey while stomping Tebow’s Broncos the week before Christmas.  As the camera begins to pan in on Gisele, she poses the following question:  “Tebow … SERIOUSLY???”

Brady... seriously?

Would this spark a petty, manufactured rivalry? Indeed.  And provide even more pointless banter between journalists and fans? Absolutely.  But like those political ads we are already sick of, we would never turn them off.

By RJ Karas

Taliban offers to end NBA lockout in exchange for world peace

The Taliban is willing to negotiate peace with the United States and disband from al-Qaeda, but the proposed deal hinges on the NBA agreeing to shift its operational headquarters to Kabul. It’s just unfortunate that U.S. president Barack Obama, a keen basketballer, is reluctant to ink the deal that sends his favourite sporting competition offshore.

That’s according to Ahmad Shah Ahmadzai, the former acting prime minister of Afghanistan from 1995-96, who conducted closed-door talks with Taliban officials earlier this month following the news that the NBA had entered a lockout phase.

Ahmadzai told ThePublicApology that the Taliban is interested in bringing the NBA to Kabul to spur a grassroots basketball movement in Afghanistan and the broader Middle Eastern zone.

“Basically, the guys [Taliban] have gotten over the rush that comes from holding Americans in a state of fear; now they just want to kick back and watch some quality uninterrupted basketball on the Al-Jazeera network. This is not an effort to bring down basketball in America, but a bid to expand basketball in the Middle East,” he said.

"The guys just want to watch ball..."

Ahmadzai said the deal would involve each NBA franchise relocating to a certain area or province of Afghanistan; the short straw being Ghazni, the most dangerous province in the embattled country according to a recent NGO report. An NBA Lottery, drawn by current commissioner David Stern, will decide where each franchise relocates to.

Ahmadzai added that the Taliban planned to pay the athletes in arms, drugs and spare cash that they had accumulated from various Middle Eastern donors, including the Saudi government, which will allay fears of future lockouts over pay disputes.

But the deal cannot go through without the consent of Obama, who is reportedly more concerned about Derrick Rose backing up his 2010/11 MVP status than ending the war on terror and initiating world peace.

“The Taliban has engaged with Obama since the lockout first arose to push the deal through, but Obama has shown opposition at every stage,” Ahmadzai said.

Obama told reporters that palming NBA players offshore would be “a sign of weakness – and we cannot bow to the enemy.”

“I’m skeptical. Why would the Taliban suddenly want to bring the NBA to Afghanistan? I think they’re looking to brainwash our most influential players – you know, guys like LeBron James and Chris Bosh – into making anti-America tweets from overseas,” Obama mused.

LeBron, could be used to incite anti-Western violence

“It’s the perfect plan. Man, Americans will believe anything when it comes out of an NBA player’s mouth. Shit, I remember when MJ (Michael Jordan) and Spike Lee did that Nike ad back in the early 90s when I was at Harvard – I went straight out and bought me some Air Jordans so I could be like Mike.”

Obama’s military advisers, however, are reportedly trying to convince the president to sign the deal provided it involves the staged reintegration of NBA players – and the competition headquarters – back to America.

“The sensible thing to do is to slowly withdraw players from Kabul until 2014, at which point we expect to have no presence in Afghanistan whatsoever,” said Admiral Mike Mullen, Obama’s top military adviser.

By Dave Edwards