A Sydney man has spurned several sexual advances from his partner in favour of watching live sport, The Public Apology can report.
Edward Sterling, 29, is currently focused on the plethora of televised sporting competitions simultaneously on offer right now. As such, he has been making up a litany of tepid excuses to avoid wasting valuable energy copulating with his long-term girlfriend.
Sterling said that this behaviour “probably started with the French Open.” “Seeing Rafa go for his ninth title at Roland Garros in 10 years really distracted me on date-night – and the time difference meant I could barely watch the mixed-doubles on the back courts,” he explained.
While Sterling did in fact watch the mixed-doubles (up until round 4), things took a sharp turn for the worse when State of Origin rolled around, according to partner Meagan Weston.
“He would come home from work and I’d ask him how his day was. He seemed distracted and concerned. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he was just a bit worried about the NSW halves combination,” she said.
In a show of unity, the couple held hands during the interview, with Sterling conceding he needed to show more appreciation for his one true love: sport.
“It’s a rare time when the calendar is this choc-filled with sporting events. I’m living 16 hours a day on the couch and just haven’t been concerned with intimacy,” he admitted.
“There’s Wimbledon around the corner, then State of Origin Game 2. Now there’s the World Cup, of course, and with the Tour de France later in the month, I just don’t know where I’ll find the time. I haven’t even been to work for three weeks!”
Weston first noticed a move away from sex by her partner after she initiated foreplay which – strangely – was not reciprocated.
“I began rubbing the back of Ed’s leg in a bid to reconnect with him physically, only for him to skittishly retreat, mumbling something about LeBron’s hamstring and whether he’d be OK for Game 3,” she conceded.
In the days afterward, the 26-year-old PR manager purchased renowned novel ’50 Shades of Grey’ off Amazon.com – a move that only added fuel to an already growing fire.
“I tried to get him to tie me up and whip me just like in the book, but all that did was get him to talk about World Cup ties and who would be the ‘whipping boys’ in Group E.”
Weston has reportedly become so concerned that she even consulted a sex therapist in order to solve the relationship problems.
“The doctor told me to try to mix sex and sport together and, well, that seems to really have helped. I bought a Socceroos jersey last week with ‘Cahill’ on the back and wore it around the house.”
“After his goal against Chile, well, things have never been better,” she added, mildly embarrassed.
By Ian Higgins with staff writers